Life is in...

Lately I've had the...opportunity...for lack of a better word to see life through so many other people's eyes. Working at a daycare you come across all kinds. There is a mom who has a 1 yr old and a 3 yr old. She is battling stage 4 uterine cancer that has spread. She is doing Chemo twice a week every week for the next 6 months. Her ex-husband and father of her children up and left her and is barely in the picture. I just cannot imagine. I get weary and beaten down by my own hurdles but it is never far from my mind that it could always be worse. I think that thought has kept me sane more times then I can count and it isn't that I feel like I am triumphant over other people's downfalls...not that at all. It's that they inspire me. This mom still goes to work every day. Sick and nauseous and not knowing if she can survive this cancer. She is still working and maintaining normal for her kids. It's shocking. My co-worker Kim passed away this past week from her injuries a severe stroke in the spring left her with. She never regained awareness and her sweet little firecracker, now 3, is without a mom. There is another mom at daycare that is pregnant with her 5th child. The father of all of her children beat her, and this pregnancy is a result of a horrible nightmare of an experience, yet she is seeing it through. Even though she will have 5 children under 6. There's always so much going on around us at any given time. This time of year it's hard not to dwell on our sweet little Jingle Baby and all the promise she held. How she would be 3 with a trundle of curls sweeping her face. Bouncing here and there, the joy she would have brought. So I've decided life is in the most minute things. Life is in chocolate chip pancakes and cheesy eggs. The whirl of the dishwasher and washer preparing for the next days clothes and dishes. In the icy mornings and the frost on your nose. It is in laughter among sisters and the rumpus roar of a baby brother. It is in the cracks in a marriage that have been mended back together carefully, painfully, and the choice to not let them reappear by polishing it every day. Maintenance. Love. Persistence. Patience. It is in grumpy moods and silly fights. The push and pull and twist in turn. It is in the small moments. Because there is peace there. Fragility. It is also in chunky sweaters and the color orange. In starbucks anything. In family time, in alone time, in sleepy time too. In waking up to big blue eyes ready to pounce on you. To appreciate the smallness in life makes everything seem a little sweeter. A little more sane too, and who couldn't use that...

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Today Levi and I went to Costco to do a little Christmas shopping for the kiddos. The kids are all getting new jammies (in bigger sizes! they keep growin'). Vance especially needed more, almost all of his jams are 4/5 and he is such a long kid he needs a 6. While shopping we came across a clipper set. $25 for the clipper, several guards, oil, combs, etc. Shoot, that's what we pay for one round of cuts for Vance & Levi. I used it on Vance today and his hair came out cute! He flipped out a couple of times, it was not smooth sailing (after all we are talking about Vance...). He had a bath afterward-to rid him of the itchies brought on by the tiny pieces of hair. I also used powder which did help. No more dragging them to the salon so Vance can get his VERY FAST growing hair cut. Levi wants me to do his tomorrow, and I will oblige :)

Lands End

3 years ago I went on the mission for the perfect kids winter coat. One that didn't cost a ton, wasn't bulky, and was durable. I found Lands End Squall Parka's and I've been hooked ever since! I had to buy Faith a new one last year and handed hers down to Alorah and Alorah's (we purposely bought a navy one for her so we could hand it down) to Vance. Alorah is outgrowing hers as is Vance so I got online to see what I could do. They had these on sale so I ordered both. Vance's was only $30 (half off) and Alorah's was only $40 ($20 off). I also bought a couple of tye-dye shirts for Faith and two dresses for Alorah for Christmas. If you are looking for some great coats for kids-these are pretty awesome. I'm not a fan of the puff coats. Way too bulky for my active kids, and probably for yours too! These are easy to clean as well.

4th injection and some bad news

Yesterday was my injection. Levi stayed with me the night before and we got the kids ready in the morning. He dropped me off at the clinic and then took the kids for starbucks (coffee for him, chocolate milk for them) and then to school. This injection was by far my worst. I told the doc (let me clarify that the doc I see for injections is not the same as the doc I see for office-visits) about the numbness I've been having in my middle and upper back, it radiates and it more annoying then anything but has been worrisome. I have also been getting pain down my left leg which I have never dealt with before and I wanted to make him aware of it. He said that the numbness is not connected to my disk problems-it is arthritis. SLAM to the gut. Another problem. Something else to deal with? Really? Disks sometimes heal so there is hope that at some point I will get ahold of that pain with intense PT. Arthritis does not heal. It is degenerative and forever. I felt sucker punched and I still do. I am 30 yrs old for crying out loud. It's just not fair, life is not fair and I've had my fill of the unfair and I am so upset I can't even tell you. I will work on finding the upswing to all of this but so far I am confused and angry and sad. The injection itself was miserable. They sedated me but it wasn't enough and I felt it all. The needle enters the epidural space and puts steroids and narcotic meds right into the nerve. It HURT. I begged for more meds and they said I was max'd out. Interesting since last time I asked for more, they gave it, and I woke up in recovery. We will be having a discussion about that before my next one. I go see my doc in mid-January. I will have to have some tests done and an x-ray to see where things are at. Today the kids are all with grandparents (Faith with my mom, Alorah with my Dad and Di, Vance with my mother-in-law) and I am having a pity party. I gotta get it all out so I can start to cope. This just makes it even more apparent. I have to get into intensive PT and put all of my energy into a lifestyle that makes this better. I know it won't go away or heal but I can't live like this for the rest of my life. I refuse to accept that this is it. My lot. I will do whatever I can to slow this down. I already knew I had arthritis in my hips from my first x-ray. That only bothers me a few times a week. My hip will 'fall asleep' and sometimes it aches. My mid back is now doing the same thing. I am not a happy camper.

The Pain

I have an injection on Friday, my 4th. I honestly cannot wait. I am in so much pain. Pain that I cannot describe. It is unrelenting. It flares throughout the day. It has sent me into tears several times in the past couple of weeks. I just have to stop and breathe. It has made work unbearable. It scares me. It angers me. It saddens me. It is miserable. I just want this cycle to end. I get an injection and it helps but when it comes back it seems like it always feels worse. The searing pain. Like someone lighting my nerves on fire from deep within. Pain that reaches down to my right food. Pain that I would not wish on anyone. It could always be worse but that does not make it okay. I have read it can take 2-5 years for a herniated disk to heal. MOST heal within 2-4 weeks. I have been dealing with this for a year and a half. I just don't know how to cope anymore. I don't want surgery. I will do whatever I can to avoid it. Nor do I want to be in this kind of pain for the rest of my life. This flare has lasted the past 3 weeks. I always have pain, it is usually responsive to meds, they help. When it flares like this and I am in need of an injection there is NO escaping it. It is unrelenting.

And I don't know where to turn. So, I cry.

Pajamas

I love pajamas. Each of my kids has a weeks worth of snuggly goodness. I love nothing more then to get them showered each night, they put on yummy vanilla scented lotion, and I brush their wet hair after they put on jammies. It is my most treasured part of the day. I think it might be theirs too. It's just awesomeness! I love my pj lovin' trio!!!

another trip to the doc

Alorah saw her ped again this morning. She is still having pain w/ deep breaths and it's quite uncomfortable. I wanted to be sure it's nothing serious. Turns out she strained a muscle with all her coughing a couple weeks ago. She should be better later this week and she's on motrin and using a heating pad for the discomfort. I'd really love to get off this train now. It's exhausting. Truly, I'm so done...

and so is my asthma bear :(