Embrace

I woke this morning after a night fraught with insomnia and pain to the sun gently peeking through my blinds. It was early, my internal body clock is set at 6:15am. Period. I have tried to readjust it to no avail. I usually spend this time reflecting and pondering life or, like today, cursing my inability to force my body back into sleep. I had been alone since Friday. Two nights of being alone. Solitude. It took a needle in my back to get it, but that is not the point. I started to think about being alone vs loneliness. I will admit, one of the hardest things for me to work through has been being alone. I spent 9 years never, ever, being alone. I could not go to the bathroom, or cook a meal, or walk through the house without someone at my feet. Of course I had periods of being "touched out" but nothing that a bath-alone-couldn't cure. When the separation started and I had my first taste of being alone I was a wreck. I did not know what to do with myself. I had, for so long, defined myself by my role as mother and wife that I had lost sight completely of me. I would cry my eyes out, horrified that I had no idea who I was. Lost. Tortured. I distracted myself with books and friends and sleep, eventually I began to realize that this was going to be a process. A very painful process. I had to push aside all the notions that I defined myself by. Mother, wife, friend, daughter, caretaker, nurturer, lover and break it down to find what it was that I put up as a facade and what it was that I actually was. I had to learn to embrace myself. To fall in love with myself. I took time to put my children out of my mind and spend time doing things that did not include them. Going to a bookstore, for a walk, or simply sitting in silence. I had to reflect on my inner dialogue with myself. What had I depended on outside of myself to make me feel okay. The illusion that other people and other things could bring me happiness. I was not my marriage. I was not my children's accomplishments (or shortcomings). I am a strong, independent, courageous, caring, bitchy, emotional, judgy, fearful, anxious, sexual, loving woman. I own my actions. I embrace my mistakes. I am not perfect. I am complicated and hopeful, yet realistic and I no longer see the world in black in white. Life has kicked my ass and shown me it's Technicolor way of flipping everything I think I know on its head. I have learned that control is an illusion. You can go through life making good decisions consistently and still end up starting all over. So I had two choices. Bury my head in the sand or make a sand castle and hope the waves don't crash into it again. I chose the castle. After all you only get one shot and as I stare 30 in the face it becomes more and more clear that I am the creator of my own happiness. I do not want nor do I need someone to rescue me. I lived a life of depending on someone else to take care of me for a long time. Having that be pulled out from under me was the biggest shock of my life. Having to go to work full-time was not what I wanted to do. However, it has taught me a lot about myself. I don't have a pretty, picture perfect, fairytale life. I have a messy life in which I try to provide as much stability and predictability for my kids as possible. I am not perfect. I get frustrated, tired, stressed, and there are nights I count the minutes until everyone goes to bed so I can have 5 minutes to just breathe. Then come the times when I am alone and I liken that time to water on dry soil. It forces me to grow. To reflect. To dig deep and figure out who I am and what I want. What I want right now is to spend as much time filling my cup with the things that are positive and good in my life. Focusing on things that make me uncomfortable and facing them head on. Right now the hurdle is going to a movie, solo. I will conquer it. I don't need someone in my life to pacify me and distract me because I am afraid that is what I would do if I was in a relationship and that is not fair to that person or to me. So, I will spend as much time as it takes embracing myself. Overcoming my fears and experiencing the things that put me outside of my box because that is what life should be. Opening doors and seeing what is on the other side. After all, there could be a great opportunity right on the other side. As the sun set tonight and the sun went down and the house grew dark I tucked my beautiful children into bed. Breathed in their wonderful goodness. Kissed their soft hair and realized, again, how truly blessed I am. For all that I have lost and all that I have mourned has landed me here and to dwell on the bad does not lend itself to self love or happiness.