Reese

I can't believe it has been four years. So much has happened and there are days it feels like it was so much longer ago and days that feel like it was yesterday. If I let myself think about her too long I can still, very easily, go right back to that day. Vividly. The grief and tears wash over and the sting in my heart that makes it feel like it will surely stop takes my breath away. Yes, still. I still wish I had a picture of her feet. They were so tiny but so perfect. 10 little toes. The nurses worked so hard to get me her foot prints and at least I have those. When I see little girls her age running around, soaking in life, reminding me of what we lost I still have to look away. Babies and pregnant friends no longer hurt, thankfully. I have always always had a deep love on infants and I am relieved that I can still enjoy them. There was a time when I couldn't even look at a baby without wanting to scream, throw-up, and run away. There are so many things about loosing her that haunt me. She haunts me. Not in a scary way. I don't know how to explain it. When I am out with the kids and keeping track of them I still look for #4. I have to stop myself from panicking when I only count 3. That has to sound really odd... I feel her sometimes, in the sunshine, in a butterfly's dance, in simple every day things. She is still very much part of me and I've come to accept it and find peace but I am still (if I'm honest) angry that she isn't here. It's still hard for me to swallow and when I hear of others that have suffered this loss it makes me so mad. Babies shouldn't die. Period. They should have immunity from suffering and so should the parents that plan their lives and make them with so much love and hope. My whole world fell apart that day, I am still trying to put it all back together. I am still sad that we will never have another baby, I will never hold another breathing, screaming, beautiful baby fresh from my womb. I would have another baby in a second if my health was better and if Levi wanted another child. My health may improve but Levi has dug his heels in and that is something I have to accept. He promised me that day that we would have another baby...I didn't even have to ask it was the first thing he said to me. Things change. People change. Situations change. Doesn't make it easier. I never wanted a baby to replace Reese. That's not it at all. My hearts longing is not something I can change. I wish I could. I wish I could be okay with never completing our family. Most of all I wish she hadn't died. Levi was so excited about her. He knew before I did that I was pregnant. He was so in love with that baby and pregnancy. Hopefully one day I will find peace and acceptance with all of it.

I love you Reese Noel.

4 years down, a lifetime to go.