So damn SAD

This hurts. I'm not even going to lie. I have so many feelings about all of this. From complete and total rage to elation that there is an end coming. Yeah, slightly manic maybe.

The rawness of this is a lot. Having it all on top of a stupid 3day weekend does not make it easier. I push him further and further away and put up more and more boundaries and walls with him he reacts and it creates tension. I cannot pretend at all to have a functioning relationship with him. I don't think we are going to be able to hide it from the kids like we did last time. They aren't toddlers anymore. They are all much more aware of things. I would like to take them in to a family counseling session to tell them, that way the memory isn't in their home. It is in a neutral place. Alorah's reaction last time was so incredibly hard to deal with. As a mom, to hear her little heart ripped out like that...horrible. She is going to take it hard. They all will. I mean once is one thing. 2x in 2yrs is another. It is just crappy crap.

I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for coming back. I knew things could fall apart, I honestly thought they wouldn't. I am questioning myself so much. Not the divorce, but reconciling. I can say with all my heart that I loved him with everything that I was. Now, I just feel destroyed. The pain of my physical ailments is one thing. The pain in my heart is another. I would take a million herniations over this...and if you knew that physical pain you would know what I am saying.

Being home with my kids was NEVER something I took for granted. I knew from day 1 how lucky I was to be able to be home with them from birth. He worked his ass off for that to happen, to make the kids and I happy. Where that man went? I have no idea. When I think back to who he was and who he is it kills me. It is like a death. This person who loved you, cared for you, delighted in you so much flips and now we have gone through 4 years of me trying SO hard to find that guy again. I think I really understand that he is never coming back to me again. There is nothing I didn't try. Or do. Or say. He is just gone. He has been, since Sept. 06 when all of this started. The UNfairness of it all can't even be explained. I think about how much I believed in and pushed him to go further with his job, having the kids, he wanted to buy this house, maybe it was just too much for him. Maybe he never was that guy. Who the hell knows. Right now it all feels like a complete and utter sham. Like I fell down the rabbit hole and damn, it's a bad trip. I have a long way to go to heal from all of this. To find myself. To make sense of all of this. I am in a really, really BAD place right now. There is just no making this anywhere near okay. I feel haunted by that which I thought was solid and real in my life. The truths that I held. We were a great couple. I know that. I know that I am far from perfect, but I believed in us. I believed that we were on the same page in life. It turns out that we are on completely different universes.

I never want to feel like this again...