Born Again Hippie

Is that a loaded title or what?  I don't talk about religion much on my blog.  Mostly because I don't have one!

…maybe it’s the time of year. Yes, and maybe it’s the time of man. 
And I don’t know who I am. But life is for learning.
Joni Mitchell/CS&N (Woodstock) 1970

To understand my current belief system you must first understand my past.  I remember the exact warm, spring, bright sunny Sunday my Dad woke me up and told me we were going to church.  Church?  What was church?  We went to a community church, small, non-denominational Christian.  I would spend much of my childhood at this church.  Every Sunday we would go, rain or shine or snow.  I remember Easters and Christmas Eve's.  Wedding and baptism.  My own Dad baptized me when I was 8, he himself was baptized on the same day.  That church holds many precious memories for me.  I went to the daycare there for years until it closed (the daycare, not the church) and I became an official latch-key kid when I was 11, almost 12.  I went to VBS every week.  I found my love of babies working in the church nursery.  I made lifelong friends and memories.  I went to bible camp.  It was my home away from home.  I can't say I waited until marriage or followed every rule, but I was a good, God-fearing kid.  When my parents divorced when I was 16 everything changed.  Church no longer felt like home, people wanted details of what was going on, and unfortunately some people asked inappropriate questions that made me very uncomfortable.  I called a Christan counselor to get in to talk to someone about the divorce, she yelled at me for asking to speak to her instead of setting an appointment up with her secretary, I bawled.  My foundation was shaken.  I met Levi and fell in love..in every way.  He was my first everything.  Going to church after that felt wrong.  Then 2 months after my 20th birthday I found out I was pregnant, out-of-wedlock.  I went to church once after Faith was born, she was a few months old, and it just felt wrong. For several years my whole world was breastfeeding, diapers, attachment parenting, playgroup, park dates, etc.  Church didn't really enter my mind much.  Faith and Alorah both went to a Christian preschool.  Faith was unable to stay, she needed Child Find and they were awesome for her!  Alorah went for a year and a half, when we bought the house I just could not afford it so she ended up being a peer model for Child Find (she was AWESOME with the kids and everyone just loved having her, she was so helpful and kind!).  Vance didn't go to preschool.  When I lost Reese I tried to find solace in God.  Instead I found a place for all of my anger.  I still place a lot of my anger toward Him.  For a long  time I struggled with giving the kids what I had. A church family.  An upbringing like mine.  In the end I have come to a place of peace within that I don't have to give them a church to give them a community.  If one of my children were gay, I would love them just as much as I do now.  If my children have children without getting married, I'll love them and support them.  The more I found my own value system in life the less it meshed with church and God.
So what do I believe?  I believe in God, I truly do.  I believe in a greater purpose.  The bible, well, I take  everything in the bible with a grain of salt.  That is my choice.  If my children end up going to church some day I will support them and I will also encourage them to educate themselves on all of their spiritual choices.  I do not choose to prescribe to any one religion.  I am a very spiritual person.  I believe in connecting to the universe every day through meditation.  I believe in being kind and compassionate and loving.  I believe in forgiveness. I believe in peace and love and tolerance.  I believe in respecting other peoples beliefs.  I would never tell you to believe what I believe; I would never tell you that my way of thinking is the ONLY way.  I evolve in how I process the world all the time.  I believe in social programs that help people to better themselves when they are down on their luck...and I also believe in not judging how a person or family got there.  When I finish school and my income allows I WILL give back.  I will volunteer and give to Joy Junction and I will teach my children why and hope they do the same.  If I did not have the family I have the circumstances I am in could very easily leave me, and my children, needing such services.  Don't think it could never happen to you.  Life is a house of cards.  I believe in heaven and hell and if not going to church and not reading the bible and not following scripture lands me there...well, okay.  I really think God is more compassionate than that though.  I am not perfect, but I strive every single day to be a great Mom which is the best and absolute hardest job on earth.  I try to be a good friend.  I try to be a good student.  I strive EVERY day to make good choices and I always, always own my words (the good and the bad).  I make mistakes, I yell at my kids, I struggle every day with discipline.  I never hit them.  I don't believe in spanking.  I believe in treating my sweet little people like people.  Respecting them and hopefully pouring MY love, respect, honesty, compassion, peace, tolerance, etc into them will be reflected by them.  I believe that children give what they get.  When my children act out parenting and role playing and I see them use the kind words I use-there is nothing better.  No matter what I believe in following my heart.  If it feels right it almost always is.  Just because I identify with many of the principals of Hippies does not mean I don't shower, do drugs, and I am definitely NOT promiscuous. This is what I believe, in a nutshell: To be a hippie you must believe in peace as the way to resolve differences among peoples, ideologies and religions. The way to peace is through love and tolerance. Loving means accepting others as they are, giving them freedom to express themselves and not judging them based on appearances. This is the core of the hippie philosophy.  which is just what fits me.  I finally found peace within.  I no longer beat myself up over not ''giving my children a church family''. I no longer agonize over it.  When Levi and I were together we tried several churches and none of them were comfortable.  After awhile I finally gave myself permission to be who I am and believe what I believe.  The values I want my children to live can be given to them through example.  On Sunday mornings we hang out in our jammies for hours, we do projects, we go to the park, we play outside, we eat bagels and drink coffee with Papa and Gran Diane.  We enjoy our time together.  Sometimes we make pancakes.  Sometimes we eat cold cereal.  We don't get dressed up and go to church.  I think if I ever did try another church it would be Unitarian.  I want to guide my children into their own sense of spirituality, not indoctrinate them with it.  It isn't my choice, it is theirs, and as long as they do not join a cult I will respect whatever they choose.  I hope so much that no matter what they choose it is well thought out, feels right, and makes them happy!  I love my childhood memories and my childhood church.  I am glad I had that.  I am also really comfortable right now with my beliefs.  There is beauty in fellowship and worship songs; there is also beauty in a string of daisies, colorful tye-dye, and celebrating earth.

Love & Light and I hope you can read this with an open mind and respect; it is what I would do because I respect you (no matter who you are or what you believe)