shutdown

My friend, Jenn, asked why I haven't blogged lately.  It's hard to explain.  Things are so complex and hard right now that I don't know how to even begin to make sense of it all.  I no longer have health insurance.  After this month I may not get child support. At all.  It will accrue but that doesn't matter one bit if he can't pay it.  Levi has made very little attempt at finding a new job.  I am hanging on by a thread with school.  Alorah split the top of her foot open a couple weeks ago.  The dog got in another fight with a cat a few days before that happened.  I stopped being able to make mortgage payments as of September.  I am packing my house.  Boxing up summer clothing and linens, camping gear, and anything else we do not use right this moment so that I can store it.  Soon I will go looking for a storage unit.  I have had three night's out this year.  I am exhausted.  I am angry.  I am sad.  I am anxiety ridden.  I feel guilty that my Dad is having to rush to finish his kitchen so that we can move into the front, when the time comes. I feel guilty that I can't save the house.  I feel pulled in five million directions and each time I settle on one task I feel complete and utter stress that the other things that NEED to be done are not getting done so I freeze and nothing gets done.  It's really hard stuff.  I knew this would happen, I've been preparing for it for months.  We closed on this house November 1st, 2005.  I remember like yesterday how exciting it was.  The house was empty and we signed the papers in the early afternoon, ordered pizza, and Levi chased the kids around playing "squishy squashy"-the empty house was filled with laughter and squeals of joy.  5 months later I found out I was pregnant with Reese, then she died, then Levi had his first psychotic break.  By the time we had been here for a year everything had gone to shit.  Losing the house in many ways is full-circle.  Who knows.  I am working on finding some positives and keeping perspective.  It is what it is.
If you want to know the hell I went through with Levi watch Dr. Phil today.  Replace the lie-detector test with TWO dna tests-which were somehow screwed with and manufactured.  All the accusations.  All the emotional abuse.  Been there.  Over and over.
“When we share from our hearts and help someone else learn from our experiences, or ask for support for ourselves, we cultivate our true beauty.” – Michelle Phillips