100 things about moi

This was inspired by this post

1. I am addicted to coffee, I refuse to drink pre-ground coffee of any kind including (and especially) Folgers. I ground my own whole bean Sumatra from Starbucks.

2. I have never had a beer out of a can, I will only drink it out of a bottle. I have also never, ever, had domestic mass-produced beer. I *love* Guinness, Fosters, and local brewery beer. The darker the beer the better!

3. I have been a vegetarian for almost year. I gave up fast food over one year ago. I don't miss meat and I have, not once, missed fast food. My kids have grown to love our food lifestyle, I do not allow meat in the house though they are allowed to eat it out of my house.

4. I lost my marriage to mental illness (and not mine, I happen to know full well that I am neurotic and emotional). I don't know if it will ever not hurt me that I couldn't save him.

5. I think about Reese Noel every single day and I cry for her often. My sweet one who would be 4 years old and 2 months who I imagine would have a head full of blond curls and big blue eyes is still very much missing from my life.

6. When I count my kids when we are out and about I always count 4, and I have to remind myself that there are only 3. I have done this for years.

7. Alorah's asthma is one of the biggest, baddest, most frustrating things I have ever dealt with. She has such a great spirit about it, she hasn't known life without it since she was 2. I wish so much that she did not have to deal with it every single day. I plan to blog a day in the life of her asthma so that I can a) record it and b) give others a glimpse.

8. I loathe my kids homework. I hate it. I think until 3rd grade when you start to use reading to learn homework should be banned. I would be so much happier and so would they!!

9. Faith taught me to trust my instincts, how to be a mom, and how to be an advocate. She has come so incredibly far. I am a HUGE believer in early intervention. It saved her life!!! (and my sanity!)

10. My kids have over 100 DVD's, please don't ask me how that happened!

11. We could loose our house. The house itself doesn't mean much to me, what the house represents most certainly does.

12. I am a purger. I hate hate hate stuff. I often go through the house and throw tons of stuff out and it feels GREAT.

13. I miss nursing. I never ever miss pregnancy but oh how I miss nursing. Between my trio I nursed a total of 60 months, 5 years!

14. Between 1999 and 2006 I was nursing and/or pregnant for the entire 7 years.

15. I am going to be a Pediatric Oncology Nurse "when I grow up". Whenever I tell people this they shake their heads at how hard it would be and tell me I should pick something easier. I truly want to flip those people off.

16. I have never picked the "easy" road in my life and I'm not about to start now.

17. I have zero interest in dating. I do not need a man in my life right now. I am on a mission to get myself healthy...and then we'll see.

18. Back surgery was the best decision I could have possibly made. I have had a few bad flares lately but overall I am thrilled with the outcome.

19. On the flipside I am terrified of having a relapse or another disk bulge/collapse because fusion scares the hell out of me. No hardware, please.

20. My mother-in-law is one of my best friends, a beloved confidant, and one of the only people on earth that truly know what I have been through and where I am at now. She has single handedly saved my sanity. I love her more than words could ever express. I owe her my life.

21. I am a hippie at heart. I believe in a spirituality, a higher being, a creator. I believe in peace and love. I believe in unity and tolerance. I believe in the power of acceptance.

22. Being an adult student is so much different than being a typical student. I truly have a purpose and a drive this time. If I had gotten a degree the first time around it would have been in a field I would have settled for, not one I was destined to do. I am so glad, even though it is incredibly hard to be a non-traditional student, to have the opportunity to go to school AND have the wisdom of what life has taught me thus far behind me.

23. I want to meet a guy organically. Not on the internet. I want to be going through life and have love fall into place, and not because I was looking but because it was meant to be....some day.

24. My entire life I have struggled with anxiety. I hate it. I would not wish it on anyone. ever.

25. Every piece of art on my walls has special meaning. It was either done by one of my children or by a relative on my Dad's side of the family. I love having parts of his childhood and my Gramps childhood around me.

26. If I could travel anywhere I would go to Australia.

27. I have had a cell phone since my first Mother's Day, May of '01. I cannot imagine life without one and if I forget mine I feel completely nude.

28. My uterus is completely off-limits. NO MORE BABIES.

29. I want to weigh 127 pounds. I love that weight and I LOVE being a size 6.

30. Yoga brings me more peace than any pill.

31. I am deathly afraid of roaches. they send me into an instant panic. I cannot squish them, I vacuum them up and then scream as I empty the canister.

32. My best-friend has been my best-friend for 15 years, 16 in August. We may be opposite, and she may drive me NUTS by never listening to my advice, but I love her to death.

33. If my kids don't go to college that is fine with me. I want them to be happy above all else. If that means getting married at 20 and having a family I support them with all my heart. If that means working in an art gallery and living in a tiny apartment, go for it! They will always be welcome back into my home with open arms, I will always be their safe place to fall.

34. I hate to be cold. My hell is not fire-y, my hell is ice cold. I cannot handle it.

35. When I had Alorah I had hypothermia for hours. We had to stay in the recovery room for over 6 hours while my body warmed up. I didn't feel cold at all, I was too enamored with my beautiful baby!

36. I was on bed rest the entire month of June from 34-38 weeks pregnant with Vance. I cried every single day. My Mom watched Faith, who turned 4 in the middle of it all and my mother-in-law watched Alorah. It was summer and all I wanted was to be out in the sunshine playing with my babies. When Vance came home he was on oxygen until August. I spent that whole summer inside. Summertime is for playing in the sun!!!

37. I love to be warm. 100* weather and I are well suited for each other. -26* weather and I are NOT and never will be friends.

38. I miss being anchored to someone but I have ZERO interest in dating. I realize the mess that I am and that I need to heal before I can even remotely be a healthy partner for someone else. I'm okay with that.

39. I used to be a very conservative Republican. Then my life fell apart and I found myself on welfare. I am now a Progressive Democrat. My Mom is less than pleased. My Dad is my biggest cheerleader.

40. I promise I will NEVER complain when I go from getting money back to owing taxes.

41. I am sick to death of being strong. I find it incredibly unfair that I have to *always* be the adult, the decision maker, the responsible one, the rational one, and that I never, EVER get to fall apart no matter how much life kicks my ass.

42. I don't generally get scared at night when the kids are here; when they aren't here every single noise freaks me out.

43. After I lost Reese I used to look at pictures of the "old" (happy, blissfully ignorant) me and get so incredibly angry.

44. I am seeing a psychologist because raising Vance may very well be the death of me. The tools he has given me are already working (for the most part). Vance has been better this week than he has been in a solid month.

45. I LOVE dark chocolate, the darker the better. Milk chocolate does nothing for me.

46. I make my own hummus, and I will never buy pre-made ever again. Alorah gobbles my hummus up!!!

47. I hate painting walls. Truly, I hate it. I absolutely love the results though.

48. When I was waiting to miscarry my last pregnancy I spent the time painting my room. It is still bittersweet and if we stay in this house I want to re-paint.

49. I love watching old episodes of Thirtysomething, The Wonder Years, Doogie Howser MD, Family Ties, and most things on HUB. I love HUB.

50. My kids are not allowed to have ANY media in the morning before school. I wish I had done this years ago. Mornings are SO much better without the TV, Wii, or DSi getting in the way! They are not allowed to have any media until homework is done after school.

51. I love to be outside. Camping and hiking or simply taking the kids to the park makes me immensely happy. I love the smell of sunshine.

52. I am neurotic, and I own it. If I can prevent any harm to my kids I will. I have no idea what age I will allow them in the front yard without me. I do know it won't be this year, and it probably won't be next. I'm perfectly happy sitting outside with them.

53. I hang dry most of our clothes. The only things allowed in the dryer are towels/linens, socks/under pants, jeans, and jammies. Everything else is hung to dry because clothing is expensive!!!

54. I haven't read a book cover-to-cover just for me since I read the entire Twilight series in fall/winter of '08.

55. I have had several people ask me if I am a nurse when discussing (usually in a hospital setting) Alorah's asthma history. It kind of shocks me, why wouldn't I know her history, the vocabulary, etc. Weird.

56. I have a black thumb. Sigh. Growing plants is NOT my forte, I do grow children quite well, though.

57. I change the sheets on everyone's bed every Saturday. In the summer I sometimes change them 2x/week. Icky sheets are never okay.

58. I wash towels after every use. In HOT water.

59. I used Tide for years, then I changed to Cheer, now I am back to Tide and loving it.

60. We have a TON of blankets. I do not think one can have too many. I miss the days when my kids would take all the blankets and pillows in the house and jump into them from the couch. I let them do it daily for so long. I don't know why they stopped.

61. I don't allow any foods with High Fructose Corn Syrup in the house, the one exception to this is Arizona Green tea w/ honey. Dammit that stuff is good. The kids are allowed milk, chocolate milk, or water. No juice. No soda. No "boxed" drinks. No gatorade. They all LOVE water.

62. I don't buy clothes for myself. 90% of what I own was given to me. This includes shoes. I replace my bras every 4-5 years. Shopping for me doesn't do much for me.

63. I finally figured out how to get my hair to be its curliest! LOTS of moisture. My Mom always told me to use as little conditioner as possible and that it weighs hair down. Not true. I now put a squirt of conditioner in my hair after I am done showering and leave it in. My hair has never been curlier, or happier.

64. I heard on the news about something called "Ginger Teasing" where red heads are teased and harassed mercilessly. I think that is SO sad and that non-mutant red-heads are jealous. Red heads kick butt! I had gum thrown in my hair countless times as a kid, and on the bus in 5th grade some jackass actually spit snot in my hair. Kids are MEAN. The counselor at Alorah's school does a class called Bullying Hurts in every class at their school. None of my kids have been teased. I am beyond thankful.

65. I order a venti non-fat 3 pumps hazelnut (or cinnamon dolce) BOLD coffee of the day 99% of the time if I go to Starbucks.

66. I had 3 cesareans, 1 induction, and 2 D&C's (one d&c was for placenta removal and one was for retained tissue after a miscarriage).

67. I have absolutely no issues with my c-sections.

68. I still have nightmares about Vance's NICU stay. I don't know if that is normal...hmmm....

69. I believe in attachment parenting. I believe in gentle discipline. I respect my kids as people.

70. I have no intention of being their best friend (well, not until they are 18!)

71. I don't like make-up. I wear as little as possible. The older I get the weirder my skin gets. It makes me so mad! My hands are different....

72. The only shows I have to watch every week are Parenthood and Private Practice. Love those two.

73. I check radar.com almost every day for my "trashy" tabloid fix.

74. I have wanted a People subscription for years but spending over $100/year on a magazine seems utterly ridiculous to me. When I make enough money to justify it, I will SO order it. For now Vegetarian Times makes me ridiculously happy every month.

75. I wonder if I will ever love anyone as much as I loved my ex. I wonder if it is possible to find that again.

76. I have more pictures of Vance than my girls combined! Digital pics are the best!

77. I LOVE road trips! The last one I took was to Austin in '07. I need another one....they are so soothing.

78. I may not agree with things my friends do but I always try to be supportive. Sometimes it is easier than others...

79. I am NOT quick to forgive. I need time to process my hurt.

80. I hope my kids remember their childhood fondly. I do my best, I really do.

81. I love going back to my livejournal and looking at old entries from "the good times". I crave the future being something like that....maybe just a little bit wiser.

82. I have never seen the ocean.

83. I would love to go to Long Island w/ my Dad and have him show me where he grew up.

84. Hawaii and I will meet some day...even if it has to be How Stella Got Her Groove Back style.

85. I have forgiven all but one person in my life. The one person I can't seem to forgive most likely never will be. Some things are just never going to heal.

86. I can recite Top Gun and Dirty Dancing.

87. The Story Of Us is one of my most favorite movies ever.

88. I'd make an awesome Flower Child.

89. I played the saxophone for 10 years....all because of Kenny G.

90. I still have my sax, and I really hope one of my kids shows an interest.

91. I am not afraid of dying, it's living that's hard.

92. My journals are my legacy, I want my kids to have them. They are all for them.

93. I loathe teasing.

94. My kids better get scholarships. I will graduate collage just before Faith graduates High School, and I will have a TON of student loans to pay off myself. Sorry kids!

95. Things don't mean much to me. Memories, pictures, health, and most of all my children mean more than any THING in this world.

96. My van is 6, almost 7, years old. It's paid for. It runs. It may not be shiny and fabulous but it is mine...some day I will be able to buy my dream car, but I am perfectly happy with what I have.

97. I do NOT want a bigger house. 1700 sqft is PLENTY to clean. Thankyouverymuch.

98. I have immense empathy for people in chronic pain.

99. I am dreading April 3rd, April 8th, July 7th, and August 10th & 11th...

100. I look forward to spring break, the time the kids and I all have off in the summer, which is only a couple weeks because I am taking a full load. Good thing they like summer camp!