Acceptance

"Happiness can exist only in acceptance."
- Denis De Rougamont

I read that quote when I was in the midst of my deep grief loosing Reese.  It was then and still is profound to me.  If I do not accept things I cannot be happy.  Does that mean I'm happy about certain circumstances?  NO.  There is a reason that the serenity prayer asks to accept the things we cannot change and the wisdom t know the difference.  There have been many times that this has applied in my life.

Vance ending up in the NICU.  I was devastated.  I did not know how to deal with it.  The hormones raging, my arms aching to be with my baby constantly.  By the time I left the hospital without him, without even realizing it, I had accepted it.  I controlled what I could (pumping constantly, visiting with him day and night, being there) and I let go of what I couldn't control (having to leave my sweet newborn.

Loosing Reese.  I slowly, over the years, have let go of the guilt, the anger at my body for failing her, the despair, the what'ifs.  I still miss her like crazy but I accept that there is nothing I can ever do to bring her back.

Loosing my marriage.  I am still in the process of accepting it.  Still trying to let go but every day I get closer.  Letting go of him, of my expectations.  Accepting that I can only take on so much.

School.  I fought against going to school for years.  I did not want to do it.  Nothing could make me.  Well, here I am!  Rocking it.  Taking my classes, working my ass off, planning a 15 hour load for the summer.  If someone had told me a year ago I would be taking a FULL load this summer I would have laughed in their face! 

My back.  I am still in pain.  In all likelihood I will always deal with some degree of pain.  Last week I had the familiar radiating pain down my leg, my back tight and hot, and while it scares me I realize that I have done everything I can for it.  If it gets worse I will deal with it. Hopefully it wont'!  I am 4 months into the healing process, it can take 6 months for full healing.  I still have a bad disk at L4/5, it causes numbness and pain but it is what it is.  The spasms are painful but livable.  I am going to get my Master's in nursing specifically so that I can do administrative work just in case my back does get worse at some point.  I have to have a back-up plan.  I have thought it through as much as I can.  Hopefully it is enough.

My expectations of myself as a single mom.  There are days the dishes won't get done.  There are days that I am exhausted and stressed and tired and not 100%, I tell my kids and make sure they know it is never their fault.  I own it and I don't hide it.  They need to know that it is okay that Mom's have bad days, too.  Hopefully it will give them compassion if nothing else they know it isn't their fault. 

The very big possibility that we will loose the house.  Well, okay.  It is a house.  It is walls and bricks and carpet.  It is not home.  Home is wherever the kids and I are.  Hopefully it will teach them that things are not what matter in life.  Material things are just that-things.  As long as we are together, we have all the riches in the world.  Some of my happiest memories from my childhood (where we had no electricity and lived by oil lamp light) are some of my happiest.  I hope it can be the same for them.

That I can only be the very best Mom I can be.  I can be the parent I choose to be and hope that it is enough.  If it isn't, at least I tried and at least they know they are loved beyond reason by me.  That they have unconditional love and a safe place with me at 10, or 20, or 30.  

Most of all I've learned to ask for what I need in life and respect my limits.  I can only be one person.  I can only do so much.  I can't, and won't please everyone.  I can only handle and take on so much at a time.  Right now my plate is pretty full.  From May-August school and school will own my life.  I know full well that I can kiss nursing school goodbye if I do not get a fantastic GPA.  That is my goal.  I don't have time to not get in my first try.  

I have done many things I did not know I could do.  I have survived it all.  I will have to get through more bad things in life and I will survive those things, too.  I will get through school and I WILL be a nurse and I will be a great Mom and I will accept that in order to be happy I have to LET GO of a lot of things, but the reward makes it worth it.  Everything that has happened in my life has prepared me for now.  Hard classes.  Hard expectations.  BIG rewards.  Happiness.