Love & Marriage

** Disclaimer: It may be way, way, waaaaaaaay too soon to be sharing these feelings.  I reserve the right to change my mind.

I've been trying to put these thoughts together for awhile.  I finally feel like maybe I can explain it so that it makes some sense.  That said the mere idea of dating makes me want to vomit.  I'm not being dramatic, it actually provokes a gag reflux.  Is parenting alone hard as hell?  Yes indeed.  Do I miss having someone to share my day with?  Hug?  Hang out with?  Of course.  This time alone is not as lonely as it was when we separated last time.  Possibly partly because I accept fully that it is over.  Or maybe it is that I have the kids 100% of the time.  Or maybe it is because I have finally learned how to be alone.  Whatever the reason it would take one determined, amazing, dedicated man to break down my walls.  Maybe some of them will dissolve over time, we'll see.

I don't see myself ever getting married again.  My Dad and Diane have been together for 14 years, they started dating 5 months after my parents divorce.  She breathed life back into him.  They had a long distance relationship for over a decade, driving 3 1/2 hours each way almost every weekend.  I can't imagine our lives without her and I truly have adored her from the first time we met.

My Mom got married less than a year after the divorce was finalized, they are still together.

Am I the abnormal one?  I spent 4 hard years trying to fix our marriage, I did everything in my power to save it and him.  I failed.  Maybe when I accept that I can move on.  There are also many, many loose ends in my life right now and so many uncertainties my head swirls if I try to take it all in.  I don't want anyone in my life.  I don't have enough of myself to give.  I am too broken inside and I want to fix myself...by myself.  I ponder life 5, 10, 15 years from now and I draw a blank.  I used to be able to envision life in the future, I had preconceived notions, hopes, and dreams.  Now I have school.  I am married to school.  Being financially independent is the single most important goal (besides raising these kids to be happy, amazing, productive members of society) I have.  Every class I take is for them.  Every test, every assignment, every class is a piece of the puzzle that will lead me to never, ever having to depend on someone else again.  I think about my kids and gosh, if they end up in the situation I am in I want to be able to help them the way I have been helped.  I want them to know that if they fall on hard times I can help them.  Of course I expect them to be self-sufficient, but if they face something hard I want to be able to be able to help them and not answer to someone else.  If something happened to me I would want every asset I have to go to them.  No one will ever come before them...and if I was with someone who had kids I would respect and expect the same with/from them.  I would expect that they leave everything to their kids.  That just makes sense to me.  I don't have any desire to ever walk down that aisle again.  I hope for a life partner, I hope for someone to share this journey with, but not at the expense of my kids.  I don't expect anyone else to-in any way-financially support the kids.  It isn't anyone's job but mine (and their Dad-but that is a whole other complex issue).  Just as I don't think I would want to financially support someone's child/ren.  Not because I wouldn't love them but because it isn't my responsibility.
Does any of that make sense?  I am busting my ass to secure a job where I can make good money, a nest egg, and a life for us.  I'm doing that for US.  If someone wants to share our life-when the time comes-I welcome that (not right now and not any time soon but I know eventually I will).  I just hope I can find someone who understands my thinking.  It may not be romantic but it is how I truly feel.  Again, in 5 years I may feel differently (though I doubt it).  For now when I try to think of a situation where I would be okay with allowing someone in our lives honestly I don't see it.  I like not having to answer to anyone.  I like being able to leave the dishes in the sink or have a smorgasboard for dinner and not feel guilty about it.  I like not having to ask someone if I need to make a purchase.  I like being alone (most of the time).  There are times I wish there was someone else here to help out with this, that, or the other thing but when I really think about it...I wouldn't let someone else help.

I am still pretty fresh from the wounds of my on-going situation so maybe I am a little skewed right now.  Who knows.  Maybe I got hit with an arrow from the anti-love cupid?

There you go...a little looksie at my brains goings on.