I came across this website yesterday and while I haven't read too many of the entries it got me thinking. Have you ever heard of a Daddy War? Uh, probably not. At least I haven't. If they exist someone enlighten me! Inevitably when a Mom has a baby she will encounter some kind of Mommy War. Breast vs bottle, co-sleeping vs crib, discipline, potty learning, using or not using bribery, to name a few. Why so many of us feel the need to defend our choices and judge others for theirs is beyond me. I did it. I'll admit it. I am a strong believer in the power of attachment parenting, gentle discipline, and respecting my children as people. I used to be quite judgy, I'm not proud of it but I will own it. Losing Reese made me re-evaluate myself in many ways. It was the first step in my quest to not be so judgmental and most of the time I succeed. I breastfed Alorah for 21 months and she has severe allergies and asthma. I thought breastfeeding and delaying solids (she did not start to eat regular meals until she weaned, no food passed her lips until she was 6 months, and even then she showed intolerance of rice cereal and avocado, I had to find barley cereal and she only ate it now and then. She projectile vomited avocado and the rice made her scream for hours) was supposed to be some magic potion to ward it off. Unfortunately genetics won out, I just read a study from 2005 that found kids with Alorah's "type" of asthma usually come from Dad's with asthma. Her Dad has mild intermittent asthma (he had a severe attack before we married and he had a really bad time with pneumonia in '08). Faith and Vance had major issues with ear infections. Vance ruptured his ear drum at 4 months and he was breastfed until he was 2. I am glad I made the choices I did, I'm glad they were nursed for so long (between the 3 of them they nursed for 5 years, exactly 60 months) and I'd like to believe that nursing helped somewhat but who really knows.
Back to the website. I was raised "Free Range". My Mom was never, ever a helicopter Mom. It's just not who she is. I remember worrying that if I got kidnapped at the bus stop my mom wouldn't know what I was wearing that day, how would she know what to tell the police? I was 12. I have always been a ball of anxiety. I used to fall asleep watching out the window to make sure my parents cars hadn't left the driveway, I was convinced they would leave. I was maybe 5. I am a helicopter mom. I don't want my kids to be neurotic anxiety-riddled people but I also want them alive, happy, healthy, and safe (which I truly believe is the ultimate goal most mother's, no matter what their parenting style, also want). I have taught them (thank-you Dora!) from the time they were very very small that my job is to keep them SAFE. That I tell them not to do things, or to do things, most of the time because I want them to be safe. They are still not allowed to play in the front yard without me. I have no idea when I will allow them to do so. I don't believe/understand (but if you do, that's okay!) how giving them cell phones will keep them any safer than I was. The only one that I would consider giving a celly for safety reasons is Alorah and that is only because of her asthma, not because I think it would somehow keep her safe from getting kidnapped. I had free-run until the sun went down. I could walk to the movie rental shop down the road (I grew up in the mountains) which was a busy road any time, or up to Grandma's Attic to buy a bag full of candy for $1 when I was 8 or 9. I can't even let my kids play in the front yard. Of course I want my kids to be independent and secure and teach them every life skill they need, and I will. They all know how to make toast, get cereal, etc in the mornings for breakfast. They don't need help showering. For some reason none of them have any interest in picking their clothes so I do that for them. I have no idea when I will teach them how to do laundry (I am VERY picky about how it gets done) but they do help put their own clothes away. They have all had sleepovers at other people's houses, even friends from school though some things happened when Faith slept at a friends house that I am still upset about (she lived in an apartment complex and Faith & her friend were allowed to roam it freely-I should have expressed to the parents that I was not okay with that. I told Faith but she did not follow my instructions). Do we ever get to outgrow Mommy Wars? I really thought it ended when they got older, but it doesn't. Now it's over cell phones and facebook accounts and free-range vs helicopter moms. Oy. How about this: you raise your kid and I'll raise mine. Don't do anything with mine that disrespects my values and I won't do anything with yours that disrespects yous and then we are all good! In other words if you have my child over to your home and I do not want her to roam the neighborhood with yours that should be okay!!! We are all trying to raise our kids the best we can, we all make decisions on their best interest and how we see fit. I wish that everyone would just raise a white flag and give each other a break. Raising kids is hard enough without the bashing and out-of-hand downright battling over trying to be RIGHT. There is no right way.
Follow your heart. It is always right. If it feels right it is...FOR YOU!!!! If it feels wrong, it is.......FOR YOU!!!
p.s if helicoptering totally messes my kids up I'll let you know, and I'll pay for their therapy! I promise :)
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