My heart still deeply cares for Levi. I don't love him in any romantic sense but this man gave me 3 of the most beautiful children int he world. He was there for me through microsurgery on my finger in '99, he had to work but ended up leaving to be with me. I didn't even have to ask, he just did. Even after we split up in '09 he took me for my LESI procedures and made sure I was okay, drove me home, tucked me in and if I had needed anything he would have helped. That Levi drives me to help this Levi. We were partners and best friends for almost half my life. I feel a very strong pull to make sure he is okay. That he does not end up homeless. My heart still cares for him and my overwhelming feeling towards this whole situation is intense grief and sadness.
Yesterday was my first day without kids or plans in weeks. I had one day to myself. I could have studied for finals, organized my house, done laundry, slept, vegged out in front of the TV. I chose none of those. I chose to listen to my heart which was screaming to do something, anything, to help Levi so I got on the phone.
This started on Thursday when I dropped my 2" thick stack of journal entries I have written in the past 4 1/2 years, bank records, a letter from the mortgage company, and the DNA test he had run in '07 off. I told my lawyers paralegal how worried I was. How scared. I started to bawl. She told me that her brother works with mentally ill and that she would call him and get back to me. I just felt so helpless. His work had done what they could, no one could really help him except me. I am still, legally, his wife. Yes we have legal papers and a separation but I am still in the eyes of the law his wife which means that I am the one person that can get information and help to him.
I went to class and when it was over as I was driving home my cell rang. I pulled over and talked to the paralegal. She told me to call his primary care doc and demand that they get a "Certificate of Evaluation" to the police and with that they would have to pick him up to be evaluated at a psychiatric hospital. I called his PCP, the nurse called me and said "take him the ER, that's all we can do". It was too late in the day to do much else. I had been trying since Wednesday to talk to the HR person at Levi's work to see where his short term disability stood and if I needed to pay for health insurance to continue. I got her voice-mail. Over and over and over her VM.
I woke up yesterday and my heart was dark and sad. I needed to DO something so I got on the phone and started making phone calls. I got in touch with the local Crisis Intervention Team (CIT) contact person. She had the cops do a well-person check. No one answered and without a CofE they could not enter to see if he was there. I called his PCP and begged that they do a CofE, got them all the information because normally mental health professionals do this, not primary care docs. The nurse and I went back and fourth. Finally at 5:15 we knew Levi was home, the CofE could be faxed, and they would go get him. The police substation that would need to do this closed at 5. I was so upset. That option was out (and why they could not use a different substation is still completely unclear to me). During all of this his HR person finally returned my calls, I left her a couple of messages begging and urging her to call me. She had to make sure, through the legal dept, that she could release Levi's psychologist name and number to me. She could and did. I left him a detailed message about what was going on. I was clear that I did not want a single bit of information from him about Levi, I was incredibly concerned about his wellbeing and that I sincerely felt he needed to be brought in. At 9:10 I laid down with the kids to go to bed and at 9:15 the phone rang. It was his psychologist and he was very much in agreement with me. He was felt just as strongly as I did that Levi needed help out of his scope, and he was very willing to fax in a CofE. He called APD and after several phone calls with dispatch and his psychologist they went to go get him. Those details aren't important, at around midnight he went, willingly, with the cops to the hospital. My dad and Diane had come over to watch the kids. Before I left I fell apart so Diane suggested that my Dad drive me and stay with me, we got there a little after 10pm.
During all of this the psychologist told me that he had diagnosed Levi was Schizo-effective Disorder. Now that I have had time to read up on it, wow it makes a lot of sense. I will not go into the exact details of how this is effecting Levi, I won't exploit him in that way. I will say that my main concern and my motivation with all of this is that he not end up homeless due to inability to make rational, logical, and sustaining financial decisions which could lead to homelessness which is what I am desperately trying to prevent. That is my motivation. I do not want any money from him. I simply want him to have a roof over his head and food in his tummy. I am sharing this because I know that all across this country there are people navigating this incredibly difficult road. I am sharing this because if anyone can learn anything from how I have transversed this (again, I am flying blind, take it all for what it's worth). I am urgently concerned about his wellbeing and if I can help I will. I will continue to do what I can. I need to be able to look at my kids in 10 or 15 years and have them know beyond doubt that I did everything I could to help their dad. I do not want to have regrets.
After taking a history from me, and then the psychiatrist talked with him he simply put is not sick enough to be held against his will.
I was crushed. I know that meds have helped him in the past. I truly believe they could help now. There is nothing anyone can do with the way our mental health system is set up, that I can do anything more at this point. That was my 'hail mary'. If I can help in the future I will. I am beyond exhausted. I am sad. I am frustrated. Now I have to put this on the back burner for a bit and get through finals, navigate NJH with Alorah, and literally sell and donate 1/2 of our stuff so that when the time comes we can move more easily. If nothing else this is a good lesson for my kids about what matter. Things do not matter. Houses do not matter (though it does make me sad that we did not buy a house out of budget, we were smart and I will still not get to keep it....but oh well. It's just a house). Where we live is home and that can be anywhere. I don't need a haircut or new clothes or stuff. All I need is my education and my kids to be safe/healthy/happy. I have been very honest with the kids about everything. I do not want them shocked and they deserve to know what is going on (no, not the details but the facts-absolutely).
I do not want them to be ashamed of their Dad's illness. I do not want them in the dark about it. There is a huge genetic component to this, and I hope that if one of them should become ill they would get help. I am beyond disappointed in our system. I am shocked at their lack of services and willingness to help. I am going to get in contact with the local NAMI and get more information and hopefully support. Maybe they have a group for kids with parents with mental illness that could help the kids know that they are not alone.
Keep Levi in your thoughts. Please. I am no less worried today than I was yesterday and the day before.
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