Memory Monday

I was 13 in this pic.  I know that because when I was 13 my mom and dad bought me that TV and we got cable for the first time and it was put in every room.  Including mine.  This was when life was simple.  Drama was a little bit of gossip or petty fight with friends at school.  I had never heard the words mental illness, antipsychotics, or schizoaffective disorder.  See all those bunnies?  My Memaw and Pepaw sent me a bunny every Easter.  I loved stuffed animals.  They also sent me cabage patch dolls and I still have them.  My girls play with them.  I, like Faith, loved purple and my mom let me pick out my whole bedroom set and paint.  It was a great room that I loved during my tween years.  I later painted the room across the hall a deep shade of evergreen with maroon trim and it was much more mature...that was not long before my parents divorced.  I still dream of this house and I can vividly remember how it smelled.  I loved the layout.  I loved that my Grandma had picked it out.  I loved everything about it.  I still dream about it, in the dreams I am always disoriented.  It is hard to explain, but gosh I loved that home.  It was the only thing I was really bummed about when my parents split.  I wonder if my kids will feel the same when we move out of this house.  Do you ever forget your childhood home?  I don't have much emotional attachment to this place, everything bad started shortly after we bought it.  Part of me feels like losing it and moving back to the duplex brings the kids and I full circle.  Maybe that is how it is supposed to happen.  Maybe that is how the next chapter really starts.  So many questions.  So few answers.

Levi is very sick.  Please keep him and everyone involved in your thoughts.  It is an extremely trying time.  There are no words.  Sadness and grief but no words.  The most important thing to remember is that the true victim to this awful disease is Levi.  The rest of us are all affected in various ways but he is the one who is truly suffering.  I am trying with all my might to live in the moment, make the best decisions possible with the information I have, and keep my mind open to whatever the outcome in the next few months will be.

We leave for NJH next week.  I am in full-on panic mode with all that needs to be done.  Alorah, thankfully, has stayed stable since her last burst and we have not had to go to the hospital or repeat oral steroids.  Thank goodness for small blessings.

I have to get back to writing my first college paper in over a decade so this is a short one.  Overall I miss my innocence and naivety.  I think anyone dealing with a person who has a severe mental illness would agree.  Life will never again be anywhere close to how it was.  Starting over in every sense of the phrase.  Trial by fire.