5 years down; a lifetime to go. Some reflections.

First and foremost I have survived the last 5 years.  That in and of itself is amazing.  There were times I didn't know if I would.  There were times I thought the pain would swallow me whole and I'd never crawl out.  There are times the darkness still creeps in, days like today quite frankly suck.  When I think back to then it is so hard for me to reconcile how I got here.  It saddens me greatly.  The wounds on my heart are permanent, I wish I could have them removed but they are there.  Forever.  There has been so much discord, pain, sorrow, joy turned to disappointment.  There is not a day I don't think about Reese.  She is in every single white butterfly, a few songs, and my soul.  The grief spills over every now and then, like a wave.  It used to be a gavel that would slam me from behind and take me to my knees, I am grateful that is no longer the case.  My life is so much different now.  Back then I still wanted more children.  Back then I was still in denial about the depth of Levi's illness.  Back then I never ever thought my marriage would fail.  Back then...even though I was in constant pain...I still had hope.  That hope is replaced with a few cups of anger, a whole lot of determination, and love beyond measure for my kids.  Acceptance.  I am okay with being alone.  I am okay with being a single mom.  Walking down the street with my kids and seeing a happy family doesn't break me anymore than I am already broken.  It is what it is.  Life has moved in its own direction and I have willed it onto a path that I am okay with.  Surviving.  In some cases thriving.  I got 103% on my psych. essay test I took the day we left for NJH.  The highest grade in the class (pre-curve it was 97%).  I just got my first English paper back, that I wrote on Andrea Yates, and I got an A-.  I had to drop biomedical ethics, which I am okay with.  I am excited for that class and missing so much of it cheated me out of a lot of good discussion and debate, I will take it in the fall.  I dropped it before it affected financial aid or my transcripts.  I have to sign up for fall classes on the 16th, it will be a full load.  The kids will go to daycare.  Having done well thus far is incredibly empowering.  I was a C-F student in High School (except in English and humanities).  I didn't care.  I'd get an F in English, apply myself and get an A, end up with a C for my final grade.  Self-sabotage.  Being an adult student is a huge difference.  I actually care.  I have to do well!  I am replacing F's from 2000 with A's!!  My GPA is steadily creeping up which I have to hope will help me bode well for when I petition the nursing program.  I also plan to do volunteer work and build references.  Reese made me a survivor.  She taught me how to put myself back together.  I am still, at my core, broken. I am working on it in therapy.  I am working steadily toward my goals.  Today sucks.  I HATE today.  I hate that my daughter is not here.  I am not okay with never having my "rainbow" baby, but I have forged a path and a life for the kids and I that is healthy.  I will never stop missing her.  My heart will never be complete.  I will go to my grave aching for her. 5 years down.  5 years.....