No more tears in heaven.....

The nurses worked so hard to get these footprints.  If you have seen an almost 17 week baby you know why.  Her feet were so tiny but so perfect.  The only regret I have is not having pictures of her feet. Her ten incredibly tiny toes.  Her hands, her long fingers.  I do have pictures of them but I can't show them without showing the rest of her and that isn't something I feel comfortable doing.  Unfortunately she passed way on June 28th.  My journal entry from the 29th still haunts me.

"Levi felt the baby kick last night. Jingle was really active and I was feeling a lot of movement so I told Levi to give me his hand, as soon as he put it on my belly the baby kicked really hard once...and then stopped lol. He was really excited to feel that kick. Grow baby Grow!"

I had no idea that big kick was her last.  I begged her several times over 4th of July weekend to kick. To tell me she was okay.  I chalked it up to being so busy, by the time evening hit I was exhausted, and by the 3rd of July I felt sick in a way that I cannot explain.  I went in for a routine appointment on July 5th, 2006.  It was anything but.  She was born still at 11:23pm on July 7th.  6 1/2" long and 3.2oz small.
When I think of where I am now....it all goes back to her.  Everything that has happened.  Every choice.  Every event.  I can connect it to her.  Grief never goes away.  I think eventually you just learn to live with the hole.  I handle it better now...though days like today hit me out of nowhere every so often.  I have no idea why.  There is no rhyme nor reason.  Alorah talks about Reese more than anyone.  She was insistent, at 2 1/2, that she was having a baby sister.  My dreams...  I had one days before I found out I was pregnant about a positive pregnancy test.  I had dreams that she was a girl.  I had a dream over that weekend that I was bleeding. Thank-you to the nurses for working so hard to get those prints.  They mean the world to me.  I have a box from the hospital and every so often I feel the pull to look inside and allow myself to feel.  It's amazing how fast I can go right back and remember every detail.  Maybe...some day...I will share the box with you all.  Only a few people have seen its contents.  This time of year always chokes me up.  White wispy butterflies, the same ones that would appear everywhere I went for weeks after Reese died.  Parking lots, pumping gas, parks, in the yard.  Sweet sweet butterflies....