Divorced

I think this is most definitely blog-worthy.

I am, officially, divorced.

I have a whole array of emotions running through me.

The next chapter begins.

New Bed!

Since we are downsizing, who knows when, I was hoping I'd get a smaller bed at some point.  A king in the duplex is not a good mix (it leaves very little room and I'll be giving the kids the bigger room as it is).  So when I was at my friend Jenn's house a couple weeks ago I asked if she had any furniture she was looking to sell b/c they downsized to be closer to fam (from Rio Rancho to Alb).  She said they had this bed and when she talked to her husband they said they'd sell the whole thing (mattress, box spring, and frame) for $100.  Wahooooo!  This poor mama swooped up that deal!  I bought new bedding after Levi and I separated the first time (that bedding) as a new karma kind of deal.  I couldn't afford a new bed though.  So now I have a new bed that doesn't sink, my back will be MUCH happier with support, and good karma!  Win/Win!  Plus, I will babysit Noah and Gracie for free any time as a thank-you!  My king bedding fits, so I don't even have to buy new sheets, yay!  I'm a happy mama.  I have not had a bed with foot board and a head board since 1999!  Sweeeeeeeeeet!  It's so pretty.  ahhhh.
Oh, and this is the bed I am getting the kids so they can share a room:

In a darker stain, Vance will have the bottom and I'll hang a sheet for privacy, the girls will each have a top part.  I figure I will have this bed for years to come.  I will probably save it and use it for my grandbabies.  Pretty cool bed.  I am selling Faith's loft bed, 2 dressers, my dresser and night stand, a huge computer desk, and a few other things to be able to buy it, also because I am not storing furniture, the only furniture I will store is Alorah's bed (because she loves it and I got an amazing deal on it) and possibly my childhood bedroom set, though most likely I will sell it and buy taller, wider dressers and pieces that store more.  The closets are SO small in the duplex that when I stand in them I can put my hands against each side.  3 kids.  One closet.  Insert creativity!  I will be storing off-season clothing and bedding, and other things that I cannot replace.  Everything else is getting sold, and I'm okay with that!  Oh, I will also have a rotation for the kids toys and books between the duplex and storage.  I have a whole system in mind.  We are going to make this work!!!!

Also, I will be filing for divorce this week.

My kids rock

shoot, they ARE my rock.

Vance told me the other night "Mommy, you are a magnificent woman who always always tries and tries.  You are the best Mommy in the whole world."  This after losing legos and wii for misbehavior.  I've gone zero tolerance on him and he actually likes it.  He NEEDS it.  The more he loses the more he finds that boundary, the better he behaves.  It's exhausting but consistency has worked.  I have been reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" if you have a boundary pusher BUY THIS BOOK!!!!!  It has been life changing.  I have had it for over a year, but the past year of my life has been trying at best.  Sitting down and reading it was just too much.  I have been on survival mode for exactly one year.

One year ago tomorrow Levi asked for an open marriage, on the eve of our 10th wedding anniversary, and I asked for a divorce.  We spent Sept. 1st at "our" restaurant hashing out our divorce, me in tears barely able to eat.  Happy 10th anniversary.  I had surgery on Sept 29th, he moved out in December.  I've been a full-time single mom since January.  I've done it.  I have no idea how but I have.  We've worked into a unit.  The kids and I are doing well.  I never thought I could do this and I am doing it.  Some days I want to yank my hair out, cry, and throw myself down and have a pity party but I'm doing this.  Without a man.  Truth-I have NO interest in a relationship.  When I dedicated myself to school I married it.  I knew it would take everything in me.  It has and I have no regrets.  My first and most important priority is to my kids.  Getting my education is essential.  I have no less than 18 hours of homework every week.  It's crazy.  It's worth it.

I'm kicking ass at life.  I am strong, capable, and I can DO hard stuff.  I am woman, hear me ROAR!

We had open house at the kids school, everyone gushed over the kids.  It is unbelievably fantastic to have people love your kids.  *sniff*  I think they are pretty damn cool, too.

Speaking of cool their favorite tv show is Take the Money and Run.  I DVR it and we watch it on Friday's.  They love it.  It's awesome.  The no tv thing is working out really well.  The girls are super into reading.  Vance is super into art.  It works.  They start daycare tomorrow.  I enrolled them in a 5 star center (not kindercare).  It is a very safe place for them, and I know they are in a great environment.  My labs are until 5:30 on Tues and Thurs, I have biomedical ethics on Monday and Wednesday until 4:15 so there was no other option.
in more randomness, I am in love with this song


it sums up the acceptance of the past year.

guess what?  being alone...really, truly, 100% alone is FINE.  I'm fine.  I am better than I have been in over 5 years.  Life's too short.  LIVE it.  Be the best you you can be.  No one else can define you, make you happy, or bring you peace.  You have to find it for yourself and when you do?  KEEP IT.  Don't lose yourself.  You are all you have.

I learned to live half alive.........

<

Best song I've heard in a very long time.

Pretty much sums it up.

I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms, I've learned to live half alive....

Click the words above to show video

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love
I loved the most

I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are
Runnin round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/jar-of-hearts-lyrics-christina-perri.html ]

It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises

And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
And who do you think you are?
Runnin round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Legally Separated, official Single Mom again.

So much time has passed. I didn't want to write down the past 4 months. It has been filled with too much darkness, sadness, frustration, and pain. Now that things are final, the weight has been lifted and I feel like I can again share on here. Levi and I were legally separated on Dec. 22nd, 2010. Papers were signed on Dec 11th (I had them drawn in September, a couple weeks before my surgery, it took awhile). This time it is permanent. I got the house, van, etc. and my plan is to go to school full-time, year-round and apply to nursing school and work my way into Pediatric Oncology. This is not the life I had planned but it is a life I can work with and be proud of. I know I can succeed and be a great example to my kids. I took my Math Placement test today and actually tested into a higher class than I did 11/12 years ago. I guessed at every single answer, that algebra looked like foreign script to me, so I chalk it up to life experience teaching me how to search out the best fitting answer :) I am on 4 wait-lists for my Math, my academic advisor told me if nothing else to try to knock out Math this semester because passing it means I can start my sciences which are a huge part of my nursing pre-regs. The kids are adjusting. It is hard on them, which is to be expected. Vance esp. has acted out quite a bit but I know it will get better. Alorah's class broke into groups to write down and share what they did over Christmas break. Hers shared a little about Christmas and then she said "My mom and dad got divorced. My dad got an apartment, I sleep there on the weekend. It is fun" and some of her friends were sad about the news. She asked me why they were sad. I am hoping this just means I have exceptionally well adjusted kids. They aren't too sad. They talk to Levi every day, they get to spend 24 hrs/week there, he will have them for Spring Break this year and they are looking forward to that. Alorah turns 9, yes NINE, next weekend. She wants to go up to the mountains and play in the snow. Levi will have her the night before her birthday until noon on her birthday and I get her the rest of the day. I am so excited to make her day special. We are going to go up with my Dad, Diane, Rach & her fam, and anyone else that wants to go let me know, and we will have cupcakes in the snow!! Some sledding and snowball fights sound great to me. The past few months have been a journey I would not repeat for anything in the world, but in the end there is a new chapter beginning...a good chapter. I am spending my free time with friends...my amazing friends. Crazy blessed with wonderful friends. There are a lot of things that need to come together in the coming weeks and I don't like unknowns but I am working really hard to not let my anxieties control me. I'm a work in progress...working through this process.

Surviving...

I am in survival mode. I've been here before. I'll get through it. There is light out there...somewhere. It's been a long time since I've felt 100% happiness. Last night came close. Levi slept at a friends house so it was just the kids and I. I asked if they wanted to pile into my bed. Of course the answer was 100% yes! They were thrilled. Vance slept between Faith and I, Toby at our feet, and Alorah insisted on sleeping in her sleeping bag on the floor by the bed. I got to watch them sleep. Marvel at how awesome they are. Breathe in their sweetness, feeling crazy blessed, renewing the strength within. They are amazing people. I am so thankful that I get to raise them. I love them, beyond reason. More than anything or anyone....so much more that myself. They are what drives me.

My back is healing, finally. I went back today for a wound check and it finally closed. No, it isn't normal for that to take almost a month. My stress level has not been good for healing, but it is healed and life goes on. I start physical therapy, super intense physical therapy, in 2 weeks. Truth be told I can't wait. Bring it. I can't wait to USE my body. Having to be restricted for 6 weeks has been a pain in the ass. I won't miss it.

Update on Molly: She made it! She went home last Friday. She required 2 plasma transfusions, a whole blood transfusion, and almost 2 weeks of intensive care. It was really touch and go. Her owner is her Vet doctor. She has the expertise. She is in the BEST hands. Her care was over $5k....and that is with the discount that the vet gets. We never could have done that. Ever. She has permanent damage to her intestines from the worms and parvo, she will require a very special diet for life. She is still weak, it will take a long time for her to get better. Thankfully she has the best owner possible. She fell in love with Molly and is 100% committed to caring for her. Molly will thrive. I made the best decision, and I feel fantastic about it. I gave Molly life and Molly won the Doggy Jackpot, she won an owner that could provide her with every treatment imaginable, and she got to take home a LIVE puppy. I am so happy for her. She went through so much for that puppy, I would have been heartbroken if it hadn't gone her way. Molly is a fighter, she wanted to live, and she is on the mend.