My Guru's aren't people. They are illnesses. Asthma and Mental Illness. Maybe my purpose in life is to help the people in my life. Maybe that is why I am here, who knows. I am a fighter. I am passionate and I don't give up on people. The old Levi, the one I fell madly in love with and made babies with and cared about with every cell in my body, he no longer exists. He haunts me though. My dreams...my nightmares, in every day life. Not in the same way Reese haunts me, I have some closure with her. I can't save her. I probably can't save this Levi, but I can try and I can fight and I can learn and I can surely make a pain the ass out of myself on the phone. I have been talking to crisis intervention people, one through COST (civilian) and one through CIT (police). Genuinely caring people who are helping to lead me in the right direction to help Levi. Why? I could walk away. I could never make a fuss. I could let him spiral down to wherever this illness takes him. I could. I made a vow on September 1st, 2000 not to. I can never be his wife again, but I still made that vow. I didn't marry him because I got pregnant. Actually, I refused to get married when I was pregnant (and not just because I had my head over a toilet for 6 straight months) I wouldn't marry him until I knew that it was for US and not for her (Faith). He saw me through that hellish pregnancy working 60-80 hours week. He held my hair as I threw up over and over and over. He sat with me in the ER countless times. He was there for me, in every way. When she was born, he fell in love with her...and he was amazing with her, and with me. He held me through my emotional crying bursts as my hormones figured themselves out. When we got married it was a small, intimate, private ceremony at sunset, in my mom's backyard. It was everything I think a wedding should be-it was about marriage. Not a to-do, because that just isn't me (I loathe weddings, with the exception of Danny & Hayley's because that was frickin' FUN!). I can't keep the vow to stay married, but I can keep the vow to help him in sickness and in health. Maybe that part doesn't have to die with the parting. Maybe part of it is guilt, I would never leave a person with cancer. The difference is that cancer isn't emotionally abusive in the way that mental illness can be and I know that I can't be married to someone when my own sanity (for the sake of my children) is threatened. I will still keep up the good fight. I got a lot of good information today. Nothing happens overnight but I know that there is a speck of light at the end of this long tunnel.
The Asthma Guru is ever present. I don't have more information on National Jewish Health, yet. I will call this afternoon for an update on the status of things. Again, slow and steady. Navigate, fall, transverse, hit a tree, you just never know. You pick yourself up and you try and try again. One door slams and another one opens....and you try not to pick the one that is the rabbit hole because you've watched Alice and Wonderland...and that's not a good one. Pick a different door and hope it's the right one.
I promise I am doing what I can to protect my own head and heart. I won't say I totally succeed all the time but I am trying. Now, onward and upward and I have class and two finals to study for....and my Guru's are never far from my mind.
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