Pondering

I am sitting here listening to the ho-hum-drum of the daily 4pm neb and taking a break from laundry and packing.  We had a lovely (and deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelicious) breakfast with Gran Diane and Papa this morning before picking up my van (it needed new back breaks incl. drums, transmission flush, power steering flush, oil change, wiper blades, etc so I am *really* glad it got serviced before we hit the road)  I also realized very quickly that downsizing to a car is NOT a good idea.  I'm keeping that van.  Having 3 kids that close together=chaos and fighting.  I would surely wreck dealing that that shiz.  No amt. of gas saved is worth that stress!  I digress, Alorah has been different lately.  When she started steroids the day the smoke rolled in her appetite was crap, she was cranky, she was working hard, and I pushed fluids rather than foods. She has been off of steroids well over a week and her appetite the past 5 days has been ravenous!  She is constantly hungry.  Her face seems to have taken on a bit of a moon shape I've noticed :(  (If I compare recent pics with those from a year ago it is noticeable.)  Can you see what I mean?  Click pic to enlarge...

Easter 2010

mother's day 2011

I'm not sure if this is due to her many, many steroid bursts or the sheer amount of meds she is on.  I just don't know.  She has been fiesty, more than usual, about everything.  It is not normally an issue to ask her to do a neb, peak flow, or pulseox check.  Lately the neb straight up pisses her off.  She gets SO mad at me.  Oh, gee, sorry darlin' but I'd much rather you do the neb then chance landing the hospital because you red zone so fast.  She has gotten many questions lately about her mask, too.  When these questions come from kids I seriously do NOT mind, she answers beautifully and handles herself with grace.  I was slightly irritated with the Target cashier today for asking.  We have seen a handful of people out in public with masks and Alorah always feels such comfort seeing other people "like her".  I know this person didn't ask to be rude, I don't know why...it just didn't set well with me.  She has been masked for months with no end in sight.  She remembers her mask without any prompting from me, it is as normal to her as shoes.  She also carries an N-95 with her in case air-quality gets bad.  She can probably manage her asthma better than anyone around her, besides me.  I asked last night how she feels about NJH, she is excited and nervous.  Completely understandable on both counts.  She knows there will be allergy testing-she knows what that entails.  She knows exactly what a blood draw is and how it feels.  I can't prepare her for the rapid succession of tests.  I can't make this all go away, all I can do is fight for her.  She also has an outer ear infection which has reduced her hearing in her left ear and made her rather irritable as well.
I have found myself pondering often what in the world is going on with her.  IS it asthma?  Yes, she absolutely has allergies-her IgE made that clear, it is not typical.
I am packing everyone up.  Faith and Vance have 4 plastic bins each.  1 20 gal for clothing, 2 shoebox size (one for socks/underwear and one for toiletries), they also each have a plastic crate for favorite toys and books.  Much less expensive solution to things than buying luggage and we can re-use it all after the trip.  Alorah and I are using luggage...it would be only slightly weird for us to haul a 20 gal bin in for her sleep study.  I am also packing our own blankets/pillows/towels...and flip flops...and trying to find an unscented solution to wiping down remotes/phones/door knobs.  I'm not usually this neurotic, however, Alorah getting sick would be really bad.  It's bad enough that she has this ear infection going on.
Last check Raton pass is open and shouldn't be a problem.  Seriously hoping that does not change.  Our first appointment is at 11am so at least we do not have to get up at dark-thirty to be at the hospital after driving for hours.

Levi was discharged from involuntary committal yesterday.  I am holding my breath and hoping for the best.  There are a lot of details where the kids are concerned and I will leave those out.  The most important thing is that they will be fine, and I have put a lot of boundaries up to make sure of that.  One day at a time.

Anyone want to study the function of neurons and how synapses fire and what the lobes of the brain are and two functions of the endocrine system and what they do and the difference between Scientific Method and Behavioral Psych for me?  Big essay test on Monday.

So much to do

So far I have:
had the tires checked, rotated, and my spare replaced (since it was toast)
printed off all the NJH forms
printed off medical powers of attorney for my MIL and my Mom so they can get care for Vance & Faith if needed
cleaned the van (interior)
done most of the laundry
made an appt. for the van to be inspected and the oil changed

I still have to
pack.  everyone.  not to mention the dog.
do more laundry
fill out the papers for NJH
get the PoA's notarized
get the van's exterior cleaned
study for my psych test
have the kids' make Father's Day cards
make lists for each of us so nothing, NOTHING, gets left behind that must go up to Colorado
Send some love & light to Raton (and please cross your fingers that Alorah and I do not have to add 2 hours to our trip next week!!! please, I really..really do not want to deal with that!  Esp since we are not leaving until 3pm as it is..and that is if we are lucky)
Set up the bug guy to come while Alorah is not here
pay bills
write up my research paper proposal for Eng 102
buy groceries
drop the van off to be inspected tomorrow (and hope that nothing is wrong!!)

Guess I should get my butt in gear.  I'll update this when we are in Colorado at the latest..

Maybe tomorrow...maybe not

I may do a delayed "Memory Monday"....

I got Alorah's itinerary for NJH.
Reality is smacking me in the face....
so many blood draws, allergy testing, bronchial provocation, "minimally invasive" bronchoscopy, CT scans, sleep study, a fluoroscopic UGI study, and so much more.

I have no idea how to even begin to prepare her.   I have tried to convey that there will be a lot of needles, there will be a LOT of needles.  More needles than I imagined.

It is a lot to digest.

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel like writing.
I am going to go hug my kiddo, the bravest kid I know.

Countdown!

In 11 days my baby...the amazing little person that made me a Mom and changed my world forever.  This child that has taught me so much and has so much love for animals and art.  She is going to be 11 in 11 days.

Eleven.

My head can barely wrap itself around this fact, nor that life is flying by faster than I am prepared for.  11 is a slippery slope to being a t...t...teeee....teenager.

Sigh.

We leave for National Jewish.
Soon.
My stomach and heart are in knots.  We will not get to Denver until eleven o'clock at night and be in the hospital at seven am the next day.  I will get to go to my first biomedical ethics class, which is great, but the cost is having to drive until very late at night.
There is so much to do before we leave.  There is so much riding on this trip.  Getting everyone ready to go where they will go is enough to drive a girl crazy.  Toby needs her booster shots.  I need to pack Faith and Vance up.  I have to pack Alorah and I.  Not to mention there are papers to write for school, homework, reading, etc.

It is never boring.

I really long for boring sometimes...

Levi has been back in the hospital for almost a week.
It breaks my heart but I have set boundaries.
I am sticking with them.  Thankful for a good therapist, wonderful family, and great friends.
Most of all I am focusing on protecting my children.  Their hearts, minds, souls, and spirits.  They are at these tender ages where those things must be protected.  They know...very clearly...without any unnecessary details.  They also know without question that he loves them.  He does.  They are all faring much better this time.  They are such strong, sweet, amazing, compassionate, lovely people.  I am truly blessed.

To learn more about Schizoaffective Disorder please read this site.  Read each part, carefully.  I still cannot wrap my mind around it.  I cannot imagine this world, my heart aches for everyone that suffers from it.   My first priority is my children.  They must come first.  I also have to protect my own mental health and wellbeing.  The tightrope is so thin.  The challenges are enormous.

Some things never change...

3 weeks old...

and now.  

almost 7.

I had all of his pics from birth-6 weeks printed today.  How is my baby almost 7? 

I registered the kids for their summer program today and one of the leaders was SO excited when she saw Vance's name.  It was so sweet.  He isn't a kiddo that anyone soon forgets meeting.  He gives ME heck but he is a dream for his teachers.  Go figure.  Though we are slowly working through some of his "stuff" and things have been a little better lately.  

****

Off Topic: A little NJH tidbit-all of my updating will be through this blog.  Every night (if I can) I will blog an update of that day's events after Alorah goes to bed.  I will make sure family has the blog address and updates will go directly to facebook but this will be my only form of updating.  Of course I will call and talk to family every day but rehashing the days events several times over is not something I want to do so this is my solution.  I will chronicle and photograph each day and process it on here.  I just don't think I will have the energy to do it any other way.  My lovely niece is house sitting so I feel comfortable disclosing our dates.  We leave June 21st and we will be back some time after the 29th.  We know we will be there no less than one week, there is no set end-date so flexibility is key.  We will be there as long as we need to be there...

National Jewish Health...

I got word last Thursday that the contract for Alorah's trip to Denver was just about done.  I didn't hear anything on Friday and I decided to NOT pick that battle, not harass people, and let it go knowing I would hear something on Monday.  Monday I took a shower and for about an hour after I could NOT find my cell phone.  It was on silent, I am just that cool-not only can I lose my phone I can lose it and have it silent.  I finally found it and of course I missed the call from our National Jewish Health coordinator.  I called right back but it was lunch time.  I called again around 3 and got the dates.  WOOT!  She goes in June, I will not miss any birthdays (Faith is June 12th and Vance's is 18 days later, I was a wreck thinking about missing a bday.  I would have done it but I also would have cried.  A lot.  I still have to figure out Skype, we will be there no less than one week and her contract is set up so that they do not have to get any further approval for anything that falls under diagnostic testing (apparently NJH requires some of the most specific contracts with insurance companies, most take a general contract, NJH has tighter reigns).  What testing?  I have no idea.  I do know her pulmo mentioned a sleep study and something about a lung testing (biopsy or something, I don't know exactly).  She is seeing an allergist and a pulmonologist.  We will be driving.  My mom offered to pay for flights and a rental car but I have a huge concern that she would get a respiratory infection on the plane and be sick for NJH (irrational, idk, not really willing to take the chance when the drive is 8 hours.)  We get reimbursed for mileage but not gas, which I am grateful for any reimbursement.  I was really kind of hoping we would stay at Ronald McDonald House, it seemed awesome, inexpensive, and Alorah would have activities in the evening.  The problem is that RMH does not do reservations so we would have to call the day we drive up and we may or not get a room.  Insurance covers our hotel near NJH so we are going that route instead.  My anxiety is crazy enough without having to guess whether or not we'd have a room lined up for sure.  We will be free of hospital activity during the weekend so we have plans!  We will be seeing one of my favorite families-The Crider Clan-I babysat for them when their girls were itty bitty babies and those babies are now 16 and almost 18.  I feel OLD.  I want to take Alorah to the Denver Zoo and we will see my friend Rachel (who will be in the area for a wedding!) and my friend April (who lives in Denver).  Rachel also suggested we take in the Colorado Springs zoo so I think I am going to try to make that happen.  I want to make several stops on the way to Denver and really enjoy the drive up there.  Alorah will have her books (she has been reading up a storm lately), DSi, DVD player, and many other things to keep her occupied.  The last time we made the drive to Denver Alorah was 6 mths and Faith was 2, I took them up to see the Criders for a week.  I spent a good chunk of time Tuesday on the phone with our insurance caseworker hammering out details.  I have to spend an hour on the phone with him on Tuesday so that he can have a better picture of Alorah's history.  There is a good chance Alorah will have to go back up to NJH for follow-ups but the ultimate goal is to make sure that her team up there and her team down here are all on the same page.
Alorah is excited, I can't say I am excited....I will miss classes, I will miss Faith and Vance, I know this  is the best place for her but I worry I have too much expectation of them to figure out exactly what is wrong.  I worry that it will run over the one week and the ramifications that could have on everyone, it's just stressful.  I am hopeful that this will be a road that leads Alorah to being able to lead a more "normal" care-free life.  It could always be worse but I hate this disease and I hate its presence in our lives.  I want Alorah to be able to run in the grass that she is allergic to, play under the trees that she is allergic to, go to homes with cats that she is allergic to.  I want her to run and play without having to stop and gasp for air-simple things most of us take for granted.
Vance is going to be with my mother-in-law (thank-you!!!)
Faith will be with my mom (she doesn't read this but thank-you, too!!)
Toby-girl will be with my Dad and Diane (again, idk if they even know about the blog but thank-you!)
I am trying to find a house sitter.  I am not okay with leaving the house empty...but if I DO have to our neighbors are fantastic and they would more than keep an eye on it, I like having nosey neighbors.
There is a lot to do between now and when we go, she sees her pulmo soon for a follow-up and I know he will be glad to hear we have her appt. and that we made it through a full month without steroids (for the first time since November).  I think the Qvar is helping, the particles are smaller so the medication reaches further down into her lower airway which is where a lot of her problems are.

I am trying to figure out how to ensure healthy eating, no way are we eating out 3 meals/day.  Right now I am thinking about bringing my big arse camping cooler and making a grocery run so that we can eat breakfast and pack lunches and only eat out for dinner.  I'm not sure, and won't be until June, if we will have a mini-fridge or anything in our room.  If anyone knows of an organic (esp. vegetarian) restaurant in Denver please let me know!  I am really, really picky about where we eat.  No fast food, no chain restaurants...the only place I take the kids here is Jason's Deli and that is a BIG treat, and the only place I get take-out from is Dion's.  (I happen to love Thai food, some Indian food, and there are a few places I go here but Flying Star w/ 3 kids is not in budget!)  We are reimbursed for $8/meal each 3/meals/day.  I would just really rather not eat out.  So, if anyone has suggestions about how to facilitate it, please let me know!

I am just so glad we live in the day of Skype.  I can still SEE all my babies even when I'm not with them.  :D  That makes it better.

Memory Monday

May is Asthma & Allergy awareness month.  Please see this website for the FACTS.  Chances are you know someone with one or both.  Chances are you have heard the cliche "Oh don't worry, they outgrow it".  For some that may be true....or it could remain dormant and show up again in adulthood.  Vance was diagnosed with Asthma at 4 mths which is the first time he got sick with a respiratory infection (he was vaccinated for RSV for several months over his first winter because he needed oxygen for so long after birth.  A condition known as Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia).  Thankfully he never got RSV.  He was aggressively treated after birth for his respiratory distress.  He was sent home and kept on oxygen for 5 weeks.  He has not had any symptoms of asthma since 2008.  Alorah, on the other hand, developed Asthma after a bout of RSV in Feb of '04.  She had just turned 2 when she got sick.  Several trips to the urgent care, chest x-rays, etc. she was not aggressively treated.  She did not get a nebulizer until several respiratory infections later, and it was not her crappy ped (that she had before her current ped) who prescribed it.  It was Urgent Care.  For years she was able to take a break from maintenance meds for the entire summer.  Her attacks were intermittent.  In the past few years they have become worse, much scarier, and she has anything but outgrown them.  She has coughed so hard she has turned purple on several occasions.  She seems to develop a new trigger every time I turn around.  Her Asthma is severe, persistent, and downright (at times) terrifying.  As I look back on Vance's experience with Asthma and Alorah's it is hard not to draw comparisons. My "theory" is that she has scar tissue from the RSV.  No doubt allergies also play a huge role in her Asthma but the trend of her getting worse as her she grows worries me very much.  They both have had to deal with Eczema (a very common issue with Asthmatics).  I have found that plain, organic, unrefined coconut oil is amazing for it.  As I have watched Alorah's life essentially be taken over by her Asthma and Allergies I have struggled with what to do to help her.  I am constantly on the look out for anything that may help.  Traditional medication, even at crazy doses, has not kept her it under control.  We made it through April without steroids and that is fantastic...but she cannot stay on these doses forever.  Trying to make life safe for her is a constant battle.  I let her play outside for a few hours on Saturday.  Pollen levels were not overly high and the wind was down....on Sunday we paid for it.  Low pulse-ox, crabby, moody, unreasonable.  When she is exposed to too much-watch out.  It is not pretty.  It left me upset and unsure of what to do.  Obviously she can't even go outdoors when pollen levels are middle range (and she wore her mask, she always wears her mask) now and at least I know before she did this at school.

The awareness of Asthma & Allergies isn't really there.  4,000 people die every year from Asthma in this country.  They affect 60 million people, 1 in 4 Americans has one or the other or both.  70% of Asthmatics also have Allergies.  Yet our state does not even have a walk.  It is so frustrating.  What do you do when it's your child that doesn't outgrow it, who can't go to sleepovers, who could have another "big one" any day and when that happens life stops. I guess you research, you get good docs, and you go to National Jewish Health if you live in a resource-poor state like NM.  We will be in Colorado this summer.  I got a call today (and missed it, UGH) that we are ready to make that appointment.

Most of all be understanding and don't downplay it.  Asthma is very real.  It is chronic, there is no cure.

Guru's

(Guru-a spiritual leader esp. one who imparts initiation)

My Guru's aren't people.  They are illnesses.  Asthma and Mental Illness.  Maybe my purpose in life is to help the people in my life.  Maybe that is why I am here, who knows.  I am a fighter.  I am passionate and I don't give up on people.  The old Levi, the one I fell madly in love with and made babies with and cared about with every cell in my body, he no longer exists.  He haunts me though.  My dreams...my nightmares, in every day life.  Not in the same way Reese haunts me, I have some closure with her.  I can't save her.  I probably can't save this Levi, but I can try and I can fight and I can learn and I can surely make a pain the ass out of myself on the phone.  I have been talking to crisis intervention people, one through COST (civilian) and one through CIT (police).  Genuinely caring people who are helping to lead me in the right direction to help Levi.  Why?  I could walk away.  I could never make a fuss.  I could let him spiral down to wherever this illness takes him.  I could.  I made a vow on September 1st, 2000 not to.  I can never be his wife again, but I still made that vow.  I didn't marry him because I got pregnant.  Actually, I refused to get married when I was pregnant (and not just because I had my head over a toilet for 6 straight months) I wouldn't marry him until I knew that it was for US and not for her (Faith).  He saw me through that hellish pregnancy working 60-80 hours week.  He held my hair as I threw up over and over and over.  He sat with me in the ER countless times.  He was there for me, in every way.  When she was born, he fell in love with her...and he was amazing with her, and with me.  He held me through my emotional crying bursts as my hormones figured themselves out.  When we got married it was a small, intimate, private ceremony at sunset, in my mom's backyard.  It was everything I think a wedding should be-it was about marriage.  Not a to-do, because that just isn't me (I loathe weddings, with the exception of Danny & Hayley's because that was frickin' FUN!).  I can't keep the vow to stay married, but I can keep the vow to help him in sickness and in health.  Maybe that part doesn't have to die with the parting.  Maybe part of it is guilt, I would never leave a person with cancer.  The difference is that cancer isn't emotionally abusive in the way that mental illness can be and I know that I can't be married to someone when my own sanity (for the sake of my children) is threatened.  I will still keep up the good fight.  I got a lot of good information today.  Nothing happens overnight but I know that there is a speck of light at the end of this long tunnel.

The Asthma Guru is ever present.  I don't have more information on National Jewish Health, yet.  I will call this afternoon for an update on the status of things.  Again, slow and steady.  Navigate, fall, transverse, hit a tree, you just never know.  You pick yourself up and you try and try again.  One door slams and another one opens....and you try not to pick the one that is the rabbit hole because you've watched Alice and Wonderland...and that's not a good one.  Pick a different door and hope it's the right one.

I promise I am doing what I can to protect my own head and heart.  I won't say I totally succeed all the time but I am trying.  Now, onward and upward and I have class and two finals to study for....and my Guru's are never far from my mind.

This is probably my most cherished picture of Levi.  I will never forget the look of shock on his face when Faith was born.  He was a Dad, reality smacked him and I saw sheer terror and absolute love on his face.  This picture holds that.  A picture says a thousand words....for me this holds a trillion.

The ball is rolling UP hill

Of course insurance agreeing to pay for Alorah to GO to National Jewish Health (they changed from Hospital to Health, so I'll get it right from now on) is a huge relief.  Huge.  They will run tests on her, they will figure out if she should stay on her current treatment plan or if we have other options, they will be able to tell me for SURE if it really is Asthma (I truly wonder if her lungs have scar tissue from RSV, she has had asthma ever since she had RSV in Feb '03, she had a dozen colds before that and never even wheezed).  It is an amazing opportunity for her.  When you have a child with a severe illness your whole world revolves around keeping said child alive.  I hope, so much, that we can get off this merry-go-round from hell of flare-steroids-"period of less symptoms"-flare-repeat.  She cannot live like that.  No one can. To see your child collapse to the ground gasping "wait guys, I can't breathe, give me a minute, I have asthma" is.....I can't even find the words.  She can't live er life from behind a mask.  She should be able to run the mile with her classmates, not sitting inside because the pollen count is too high and her peak flows are too low.

So yes, getting insurance to approve NJH after they denied her Xolair is awesomesauce.

Now....now I have to navigate the maze of insurance. Oh holy batman no one told me about this shit.

Her Ped told me to call NJH to get the appt and then call her health plan....okay cool.

I call NJH, they take a whole medical history....37 minutes of medical history.  Then they tell me what's next.
Because Alorah is on our state's medicaid NJH will have to negotiate a contract with them.  Isn't that stupendous?  My child's health is wagered on numbers.
ins will give a figure
NJH will try to bump it
ins will give another figure.
This could go on for a minimum of THREE WEEKS.  Holy shitballs.  Serious?  Oh yes...serious.
(I've never dealt with insurance, this is a lesson in life I tell ya)
I get out of class and as I'm driving home a short-term coordinator from Alorah's ins. calls me (which is pretty cool considering I was on my way home to figure out who this person was!)
She takes some history and tells me a few details.
1) due to some things at the state level travel expenses may or may not be reimbursed...thank goodness Denver is 8 hours away.  I had NO intention of flying.  I hate flying.  I also don't like the idea of Alorah being on a stuffy plane with possible sick people.  Just..nope.  Besides that I LOVE a good ol' fashion road trip.  I'm a roadie.  I love to drive.  There is nothing better for the brain than the open road.  Lots and lots of time to ponder life.
2) If Ronald McDonald House has a room we can stay there (which we will not know until the day of need).  Lodging IS reimbursed and we get a food allowance.
3) she is transferring us to a long-term coordinator because based on Alorah's history there is a good chance we will be in Denver more than once.  Alrighty.

My job is to get the coordinator at NJH (who's name and # were given to me at intake) all of Alorah's medical records.  I called to get her fax # and hopefully she will call me back with it tomorrow.  Then I can have Alorah's Ped, Pulmo, and Allergist fax all of her records.  I have to go to the hospital radiology department and get the films of allllllllll her x-ray's and her CT scan on a disc, I am going to ask for 2 and send one up ahead of time, keeping one for safe measure.  (I am also going to get paper copies of all her med records).

So yes, we are going . Nope, we have no freaking clue when.
What am I going to do about classes?  No flipping idea!  I am going to talk to an advisor tomorrow and go from there.
In the meantime I am going to set up skype and get things like that figured out, see if I can sell this house, it's not like I have time to twiddle my thumbs about what exact date we will be in Denver.  Oh yeah, and court next week.  Finals the week after that.  I will make sure I know the status of things and I will keep a pulse on things but when I know, I know..and then family will know, and then we'll go.  We'll figure it out.  I've gotten this far-insurance can't kick me down!

Fantastic, Amazing, Wonderful news!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Insurance APPROVED Alorah going to National Jewish Hospital in Denver, Colorado.
I am so relieved.  We are going to NJH!  I will know more about what insurance covers and when we go soon, her Ped is working on that.  Thank-you SO much for all your hard work Dr. Tom.

I am so hopeful that we will get answers, and a treatment plan, and that Alorah will get on the road to having the healthiest lungs she can possibly have.  Most of all I hope we find out WHY her lungs are the way they are.

I'm a crying mess (happy tears!)

Off to call family!

Algebra

I have never liked math, I am an English/Lit lover.  Throw me into a class that requires writing papers and reading/analyzing and I am in heaven.

Leave it to me to choose a major that involves a lot of math and science.  I could go ahead and major in something to do with english/lit, I won't though.  My passion lies in nursing.  I want to write a book, I truly believe someday I will.  When I gain some distance from the pain and when there is some resolution to everything I truly believe I will write a book about my life, our lives.  Even if it never gets published and no one ever reads it I will write it.  I believe far more people suffer from Delusional Disorder (types jealous, grandiose, erotomanic, persecutory, and somantic).  I truly think most people that live with someone with these disorders either leaves or somehow just lives with it.  My hope is that our story can help someone out there who feels the devastating isolation of having someone they love stolen from them and know that they are not alone.  Most of all it needs to be talked about.  People need to know it exists.  Someday.....someday I will pour my heart into writing it all down.

For now I am pushing myself every day with math.  The challenge is rewarding.  After 12 hours of studying I managed to get a 92% on my test today.  My best grade yet.  I am getting an A in the class.  I have one more chapter to complete (graphing), that test, and then the final.  My entire life takes a back burner to this class right now.  I absolutely must pass it with flying colors.  The thing about nursing school is the competition to get into nursing school is no laughing matter.  Without a fantastic GPA I won't get in.  Every single class is important.  There are a few I have to retake from 2000 in order to raise my GPA (you have no idea how badly I wish I had withdrawn from Political Science....grumble).

I register for class on Thursday which is super complicated.
NJH is more important than anything else right now.  Getting Alorah healthy and keeping her alive are at the top of my list.  Herein lies the problem.  Her Ped submitted the paperwork to insurance last Thursday.  We will know this week (hopefully) what they decide.  Hopefully they say yes and I can call the day I find out and make the necessary arrangements.  That would be ideal.  I would have the date we leave (it is open ended, we could be there for 7 days we could be there for 30 days, it all depends on how much testing and treatment she requires).  If we left mid-May I would know that I could possibly miss the first week of school, for example, and I could work that out with my professors.  If we go first week of June, that has the potential to really, really mess up my summer classes.  If I am am gone for 3 weeks in the middle of the summer term that is not a good thing.  So, I have decided that IF we find out before Thursday that she IS going, I get the appt. set up etc then I will know so much more.  If we go mid-May I would register for 3 classes feeling pretty confident that I would not miss too much school.  If we go mid-June I will register for 2 classes because the risk of missing so much school that I cannot get caught up is too high.  Now, what about online classes?  I've thought about that, too.  Thing is if we are at NJH I am on their schedule.  I have no way of guaranteeing that I can get access to a computer at a set time every M and W for example.  If I can get into English 102 and Psychology online without needing to be at my computer at a set time that would be ideal.  If I can work that out, I will.  Bottom line, everything hinges on NJH.  I am a ball of nerves waiting to hear what insurance decided and I am so, so, SO hoping I do not have to take them on and fight for her to go.  It makes me nuts that people in suits who haven't gone to med school make these decisions.  I have to believe that they will GET IT.

School is of the utmost importance, and it will continue to be.  It is more important than having a social life (not that I have much of one anyway), more important than housework, more important than most everything besides the kids (and even they have to take a backseat so that I can accomplish what needs to be done).

Since they let me study all day yesterday and they were relatively good (besides the fact that they wrecked the house...I have Little People strewn over every nook and cranny of the house....from the bath tub to the kitchen floor to the living room, and of course their own rooms.  Little People, Tangled, and raiding the kitchen of every single fruit there was (seriously they ate me out of house and home yesterday!) allowed me to work my toosh off yesterday.  I told them that since they were so good and let me get my work done that IF I got an A they would get pizza.  I got the A, they are getting take-n-bake pizza (From Sam's Club) and I even got Drumsticks for dessert.   Everyone deserves a little reward since I had to pretty much devote a whole day to my studies.  I hope this teaches them the importance of school.  To challenge themselves.  To believe that they can live whatever dream they have and go after it.  (and I especially hope they realize that it is much easier to do so pre-kids..eh hem....)

This class is the tip of the ice burg, I know there are many more challenges I will face on this road and I will take each one on.  My goal is to have an 3.7 GPA when I apply to nursing school.  I will work my tail off to get there, I absolutely MUST get into nursing school my first try.  There is no room for error.  It's like a puzzle and every piece must fit exactly or the whole thing is worthless.