2 posts in one day...say whaaaaa!?

Rach burned me this CD and it has quickly become a favorite.  Love it.  Very much.
This song especially.

So thank-you Levi, because without all of the madness I would never be on this path.  Not the path I had planned but I have been forced to dig deep and push on and find myself.  I am no longer lost...

So proud

Levi spent 8 days in the hospital.  He is doing so much better than when I picked him up after he called to ask me to take him.  He's put on some weight.  He has appointments with follow-up's.  He has made more progress in 8 days then I ever could have dreamed of.  He is engaged, focused, and in a much better place.  I really am proud of him.  I miss our friendship.  Even when we were separated last time we were still friends and I missed that.  I missed co-parenting (and not just b/c it afforded me a breather once/week).  I missed not having animosity and bitterness between us.  We are getting to a place where we can be friends again and where we can co-parent.  We will never be an 'us' again.  I love him, I will always love him, but being his friend is enough for me.  Being able to talk on the phone and chat about our day, meet for lunch now and then, and have a healthy co-parenting relationship so that we can do things together with the kids is a priority.  He has come so far, and it took a lot for him to come to the place where he was ready for help.  These past few months have been terrible, but I have seen the meds taking over every day and the difference is phenomenal.  HE did that.  He asked for help and the hardest step with anything in life is that first step.  He is a good guy.  He has a crappy diagnosis but he (with continued therapy which he is committed to and meds (which he has been very compliant with and have helped him tremendously in the past) IS getting better and fast!  He is turning it around, and wow, I could not be more proud of him.  He is getting his life on track.  He is making great choices.  He wants to be in the kids lives.  He is willing to do the work and make that possible, and soon he will be!!  I had lost all hope.  He proved me wrong.  There is a lot of hope, and I know he is fighting the good fight to stay healthy for himself, for his kids, and for his friends/family/job.  Major props Levi.  I am so happy for you.

Guru's

(Guru-a spiritual leader esp. one who imparts initiation)

My Guru's aren't people.  They are illnesses.  Asthma and Mental Illness.  Maybe my purpose in life is to help the people in my life.  Maybe that is why I am here, who knows.  I am a fighter.  I am passionate and I don't give up on people.  The old Levi, the one I fell madly in love with and made babies with and cared about with every cell in my body, he no longer exists.  He haunts me though.  My dreams...my nightmares, in every day life.  Not in the same way Reese haunts me, I have some closure with her.  I can't save her.  I probably can't save this Levi, but I can try and I can fight and I can learn and I can surely make a pain the ass out of myself on the phone.  I have been talking to crisis intervention people, one through COST (civilian) and one through CIT (police).  Genuinely caring people who are helping to lead me in the right direction to help Levi.  Why?  I could walk away.  I could never make a fuss.  I could let him spiral down to wherever this illness takes him.  I could.  I made a vow on September 1st, 2000 not to.  I can never be his wife again, but I still made that vow.  I didn't marry him because I got pregnant.  Actually, I refused to get married when I was pregnant (and not just because I had my head over a toilet for 6 straight months) I wouldn't marry him until I knew that it was for US and not for her (Faith).  He saw me through that hellish pregnancy working 60-80 hours week.  He held my hair as I threw up over and over and over.  He sat with me in the ER countless times.  He was there for me, in every way.  When she was born, he fell in love with her...and he was amazing with her, and with me.  He held me through my emotional crying bursts as my hormones figured themselves out.  When we got married it was a small, intimate, private ceremony at sunset, in my mom's backyard.  It was everything I think a wedding should be-it was about marriage.  Not a to-do, because that just isn't me (I loathe weddings, with the exception of Danny & Hayley's because that was frickin' FUN!).  I can't keep the vow to stay married, but I can keep the vow to help him in sickness and in health.  Maybe that part doesn't have to die with the parting.  Maybe part of it is guilt, I would never leave a person with cancer.  The difference is that cancer isn't emotionally abusive in the way that mental illness can be and I know that I can't be married to someone when my own sanity (for the sake of my children) is threatened.  I will still keep up the good fight.  I got a lot of good information today.  Nothing happens overnight but I know that there is a speck of light at the end of this long tunnel.

The Asthma Guru is ever present.  I don't have more information on National Jewish Health, yet.  I will call this afternoon for an update on the status of things.  Again, slow and steady.  Navigate, fall, transverse, hit a tree, you just never know.  You pick yourself up and you try and try again.  One door slams and another one opens....and you try not to pick the one that is the rabbit hole because you've watched Alice and Wonderland...and that's not a good one.  Pick a different door and hope it's the right one.

I promise I am doing what I can to protect my own head and heart.  I won't say I totally succeed all the time but I am trying.  Now, onward and upward and I have class and two finals to study for....and my Guru's are never far from my mind.

This is probably my most cherished picture of Levi.  I will never forget the look of shock on his face when Faith was born.  He was a Dad, reality smacked him and I saw sheer terror and absolute love on his face.  This picture holds that.  A picture says a thousand words....for me this holds a trillion.

Google & I....

Through the years I have learned all I could about Delusional Disorder and I have looked into Schizophrenia.  I wanted to understand.  To know.  Now that there is a new diagnosis there is yet another dive into the pool of Google.
I have found some very interesting things.  When I told the nurses at the Psych ER that he had been diagnosed with Delusional Disorder Type Jealous neither of them knew what that was.  Okay now I know from my own "research" that DD is quite rare, but really?  It is a cousin of Schizophrenia.  I, personally, think there is far more out there than is ever diagnosed.  When a wife is constantly accused of cheating, or that the child of her husband is not his, I would imagine that a lot of people leave.  It seriously concerns me that these nurses had never heard of this diagnosis.
There are a couple of profound links I will share
This one
this one

I would have given my left foot to connect with another wife of a husband with DDJ, especially when he was first diagnosed.  Reading about actual experiences with Schizoaffective disorder is a mix of fascinating and downright terrifying.  I have always said that I cannot imagine how scary mental illness is.  To not know you are sick, it is truly baffling.  If someone is in a car accident and has a broken leg the ER repairs it, even if said patient comes in unconscious and cannot give consent they repair them.  If someone with mental illness goes to that ER the doctors, even though they are essentially unconscious (and if you have watched A Beautiful Mind it is probably easier to follow my analogy) to reality yet no one will fix them without consent.  It blows my mind.
"In my opinion, our health care system has failed when a doctor fails to treat an illness that is treatable." 
Kevin Alan Lee


That quote-YES-exactly.
This is another link I would like to share.
As I try to understand so that I can help I am even more disturbed by our mental health system.  I tried to contact NAMI on Thursday, they are closed Fri-Mon so I will call again tomorrow.  I know there is much to be learned by those that have actually transversed this path.

Memory Books

Okay friends and family-if you have ANY pictures of Levi with the kids please email them to me or scan them in and send them to me that way.  My cousin got some great advice for me from a friend of hers and passed it along and I am segueing into this idea.  I am going to make a book for each of the kids (with pictures and written notes about the memories behind them) that centers around each kiddo and their Dad.  Something for them that connects them to him.  I also want to get the girls a necklace with a picture engraved onto silver of them with their dad to keep close to their heart, I may do a pin for Vance .

Something like this for the girls:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/56123444/custom-photo-pendant-necklace?ref=sr_gallery_19&ga_search_query=personalized+family+charm+necklace+picture&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

and this for Vance:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/55140457/custom-photo-scrabble-size-tack-pin?ref=sr_gallery_12&ga_search_query=personalized++pin+picture&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

Any other ideas on how I can keep him present in their lives even when he, himself, cannot be in them?