RaNdOm

 Vance finally had his 7 year appointment, after 3 reschedules due to various reasons.  He has a few warts on his right knee, probably from splash park.  The girls both had them around 5-7 yrs old only theirs were on their toes, under their big toe nail, on surrounding toes and it was awful (we spent a LOT of time at the pool). They bawled when they had theirs frozen with liquid nitrogen, so I was fully prepared for a Vance-spectacular meltdown.  I had Dr. Tom show him how it works by first freezing one on my right ring finger that has come and gone a few times (it stung like crazy but I kept a straight face).  Tom also made dragon smoke before he put the gauge on the bottle and putting it next to his profile, Vance thought that was hysterical.  Vance sat up and watched as the warts turned white, he didn't even wince!  It was no big deal.  HURAH!  I was so excited.  I was totally expecting him to freak out.  Whew.  He weighs 52 pounds (which is awesome because he did not break out of the 30's until early last year!) and he is 4'1".  I can't remember what his weight percentile is but his height is 75th and his bmi is on the low end, which is his trend.  My little NICU wimpy white boy is healthy as can be!  I am so grateful.  So very, very grateful.  His behavior is much better.  He is loving school, he knows a lot of his times tables, is a pro at counting money, and writes the best little journal entries.  He's a cool kid.

 

 Alorah is doing great!  Her allergies have kicked up a few times requiring some breakthrough benedryl to get her through.  The other night her eyes swelled up and turned red and she keeps getting hives in the shower if the water is too warm.  Her moon face has gone down as has her appetite.  She is doing wonderful.  I am holding my breath.  Fall and Spring are hard on her generally but I am also pretty confident she is on the right regimen of meds.  She has not been on steroids in 12 weeks!  That alone is worth celebrating  Before that she had gone 8 weeks-before that she had 5 bursts in 5 months.  Definite improvement.  I am keeping a close eye on her but so far she has maintained (with a pre-visit neb and benedryl added to her daily meds) and done well at my mother-in-law's for the first time in years (she has a few cats and they usually trouble Alorah within minutes).  She has also done well with the fire pit at my dad's-it's the first time I let her roast marshmallows since last November.  I gave her 2 puffs from her inhaler first but she did fine (I had everything with me and checked her O2 quite a few times.

Faith is doing fantastic.  She spent almost all day yesterday cleaning her room and organizing (I used to do the same all the time at her age).  She is my most helpful child.  She has gained more responsibility of late.  Helping me with unloading the dishwasher, feeding Toby, putting her laundry away.  She also planted a small container garden in the backyard, it is doing great.  She is SO proud of herself.  She wants to know every detail of every thing we are going to do.  I told them we would walk Toby up to the school this weekend so they could play on the playground and Faith wanted to know which leash we would use, if we would bring a dog poop bag, etc.  She is very much into reading these days and spends a lot of time in her room curled up with a book, almost always about animals.  Right now she is reading a long book about horses.  She loves animals so much, I can see her doing something with animals.  Maybe she will be a trainer or a veterinarian or rescue and help adopt out animals.  I also see her gardening just like my mom.  Or maybe she will make jewelry.  She is so talented it blows me away.

All in all the kids are doing really well.  I am so proud of them.  I love them to the moon and the sun and the stars in the sky forever and ever and a day.

(P.S my blog will not show up on google reader, because it is invite only.  Sorry about that.  I took ads off so I don't get anything for "clicks."  I blog because I love going back and reading about our life and because I want to have all of this for the kids to read some day along with my livejournal which I started in '03.  Most of Vance's life has been written out.  I also work out a lot of my issues through my fingers.  It helps.)

No tears!

I had to drag them out of bed this morning.  No one wanted to get up.  Me included!  I made chocolate chip pancakes.  They were super excited about their signs.  As soon as they saw their friends the nerves chilled and they were excited to be back :)  

5th, 4th, 2nd

Back to school!  The last year they will all be in elementary at the same time.  SO bittersweet.  We are back to the routine, including 8 o'clock bedtime.  I don't think any of them fell asleep before 9.  Vance came out for water at 9:15.  Back to school jitters.  6:30 will come very early (grumble, they changed their start time from 9am to 7:55.  jackholes.  I HATE it)  and they will fall asleep much more readily tomorrow I'm sure!  We finished supply shopping today, backpacks are loaded.  We had a pajama jam tonight.  They are not allowed to watch ANY TV from 5pm the night before a school day until homework is done on Friday.  I pulled the plug at 5 and turned on my new Ipod docking stereo (CD/ipod/radio) that I got with my birthday money.  They had a blast dancing around the living room to the Eagles, Bruce Springsteen, Billy Joel, Janis Joplin, to name a few.  They did an amazing "rusty robot."  I have NO clue who taught them that move but it was freaking hilarious.  Alorah's gum flew out of her mouth and into her hair, leading to an impromptu hair snipping.  Never a dull moment.  Best purchase I've made in a long time.  I love having good speakers in the living area, we can jam through breakfast, too.  Tomorrow I am making chocolate chip pancakes with the # of the grade they are now in made out of the chips :)  They will love it.  That is after I get the coffee brewed.  Have I mentioned how much I loathe 6:30?  No, we can't move that even an inch because the girls MUST eat exactly one hour after they take their Prilosec.  Otherwise I'd get them up at 7.  Oh well.  It could be worse but I don't have to like it!  I also hate that they will be in daycare for so long in the afternoon.  Instead of 90min-2 hours they will be there 3-4 hours.  BOO!  It would have been awesome if we all started at 9, my school is less than 5 min. from theirs.  I could have dropped them and made it to mine without issue.  Why couldn't have done 9-3?  I just don't get it.  I'll stop bitching.  I should really get to bed!!  It's MY summer vaca though and I don't want to!  No homework...tests....or papers for 2 whole weeks.  Sweetness.

Pondering

I am sitting here listening to the ho-hum-drum of the daily 4pm neb and taking a break from laundry and packing.  We had a lovely (and deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelicious) breakfast with Gran Diane and Papa this morning before picking up my van (it needed new back breaks incl. drums, transmission flush, power steering flush, oil change, wiper blades, etc so I am *really* glad it got serviced before we hit the road)  I also realized very quickly that downsizing to a car is NOT a good idea.  I'm keeping that van.  Having 3 kids that close together=chaos and fighting.  I would surely wreck dealing that that shiz.  No amt. of gas saved is worth that stress!  I digress, Alorah has been different lately.  When she started steroids the day the smoke rolled in her appetite was crap, she was cranky, she was working hard, and I pushed fluids rather than foods. She has been off of steroids well over a week and her appetite the past 5 days has been ravenous!  She is constantly hungry.  Her face seems to have taken on a bit of a moon shape I've noticed :(  (If I compare recent pics with those from a year ago it is noticeable.)  Can you see what I mean?  Click pic to enlarge...

Easter 2010

mother's day 2011

I'm not sure if this is due to her many, many steroid bursts or the sheer amount of meds she is on.  I just don't know.  She has been fiesty, more than usual, about everything.  It is not normally an issue to ask her to do a neb, peak flow, or pulseox check.  Lately the neb straight up pisses her off.  She gets SO mad at me.  Oh, gee, sorry darlin' but I'd much rather you do the neb then chance landing the hospital because you red zone so fast.  She has gotten many questions lately about her mask, too.  When these questions come from kids I seriously do NOT mind, she answers beautifully and handles herself with grace.  I was slightly irritated with the Target cashier today for asking.  We have seen a handful of people out in public with masks and Alorah always feels such comfort seeing other people "like her".  I know this person didn't ask to be rude, I don't know why...it just didn't set well with me.  She has been masked for months with no end in sight.  She remembers her mask without any prompting from me, it is as normal to her as shoes.  She also carries an N-95 with her in case air-quality gets bad.  She can probably manage her asthma better than anyone around her, besides me.  I asked last night how she feels about NJH, she is excited and nervous.  Completely understandable on both counts.  She knows there will be allergy testing-she knows what that entails.  She knows exactly what a blood draw is and how it feels.  I can't prepare her for the rapid succession of tests.  I can't make this all go away, all I can do is fight for her.  She also has an outer ear infection which has reduced her hearing in her left ear and made her rather irritable as well.
I have found myself pondering often what in the world is going on with her.  IS it asthma?  Yes, she absolutely has allergies-her IgE made that clear, it is not typical.
I am packing everyone up.  Faith and Vance have 4 plastic bins each.  1 20 gal for clothing, 2 shoebox size (one for socks/underwear and one for toiletries), they also each have a plastic crate for favorite toys and books.  Much less expensive solution to things than buying luggage and we can re-use it all after the trip.  Alorah and I are using luggage...it would be only slightly weird for us to haul a 20 gal bin in for her sleep study.  I am also packing our own blankets/pillows/towels...and flip flops...and trying to find an unscented solution to wiping down remotes/phones/door knobs.  I'm not usually this neurotic, however, Alorah getting sick would be really bad.  It's bad enough that she has this ear infection going on.
Last check Raton pass is open and shouldn't be a problem.  Seriously hoping that does not change.  Our first appointment is at 11am so at least we do not have to get up at dark-thirty to be at the hospital after driving for hours.

Levi was discharged from involuntary committal yesterday.  I am holding my breath and hoping for the best.  There are a lot of details where the kids are concerned and I will leave those out.  The most important thing is that they will be fine, and I have put a lot of boundaries up to make sure of that.  One day at a time.

Anyone want to study the function of neurons and how synapses fire and what the lobes of the brain are and two functions of the endocrine system and what they do and the difference between Scientific Method and Behavioral Psych for me?  Big essay test on Monday.

Sigh

Last night Alorah and I were cuddled up on the couch watching The Wonder Years.  She was hopped up on nebs (from the smoke engulfing our city every night) and in need of some Mommy time, which I am almost always up for.  She looked at me during a commercial and said "Mom, we should have a 4 year old running around.  I wonder what she would be like."

Almost 5 years later and Alorah is the one that remembers.  She knows the importance of a white butterfly.  She knows I am still sad.  She talks about her sister more than anyone.  She was 4 1/2 when I lost Reese and I don't know how she grasps so much.

I didn't cry, the grief hits me much differently these days.  Still unpredictable.  Still just as painful.  Sharp as a knife, deeper than I can express.  There is solace and peace and grief, somehow they have all molded into one.

Splish-Splash

 Rach watched 2/3 of my kids today so I could go to class.  Afterward we took our 6 kiddos to Splash Park.  They had a bl-ast-eroni.  Seriously, they just loved every minute of it.  They are all wiped out this evening.  Ahhh.  I love when kids are exhausted from sunshine, water, and friends!

Faith is alllllll legs.  She is built like a runner.  

 He totally posed this one.  Stinker.  He has to wear a rash guard top in the sun, he is so fare he literally burns to a crisp.  Believe it or not he has my hair, more red than blonde.  

 Lost in thought?  Or something? (p.s the girls swimsuits are Liberty of London.  I LOVE them.  Faith's didn't fit last year..I bought them in '09....and I was tickled that her bottoms don't fall straight down this year.  Yay!  

 BFF's and T-R-O-U-B-L-E (esp when you add Max into the mix!  I am so bummed I didn't get a pic of all three of them.)

 Seeeeeeeeeeesters

 Priceless Alorah face.  

 He was telling her off for something.  Don't ask me.

 taking a lil rest

 Vance, mischievous?  Neva!

my long legged, long torso, little lady.  Seriously, the P kids are built for sports.  Lucky ducks.

(I am so ticked that I did not get any pics of Addison OR Max.  We go back next week, I'll get some then!)

My biggest and my littlest are hair-rebels!!!!!!!

 Her hair was long, and she had sworn she wanted to grow it out.  Until today when she decided she did not want to grow it out. She looked at the books, picked out a cut, and insisted on it. 

 I have always been of the opinion that my kids can do whatever they want to their hair.  It is theirs.  Changing it up, dying it, and chopping it every now and then does not in any way harm them so have at it!  

 This is the aftermath!  All that hair!

 There you have it.  She aged 2 years in 20 minutes.  My almost 11 yr old now looks almost 11.  She LOVES it.  So do I, and my oh my she looks just like ME at 11!!!  I see so much of myself in her now.  She has amazing layers and body!

 Vance's before.  I didn't get a good front shot.  Oh well.  He has thick hair, it is coarse and a lot like mine.  He has been begging for a mohawk.  We looked through google images yesterday and he knew exactly what he wanted!

 He was positively GIDDY the whole time she was buzzing his hair off.  As it came together his smile got bigger and bigger.  PURE JOY.  That is priceless.

 He is rockin' it.  Rock on son.  Rock ON!

 Alorah HATES getting her hair cut.  She freaks out when I trim it up at home.  Her ends were fried and looked awful.  She NEEDED it trimmed.  I convinced her that they would not take very much.  She was near tears the whole time she was in the chair.

 After!  So healthy and happy and now she can grow it out even more!  She wants it as long as she can get it. It is extraordinarily healthy.  The LOOKS I got when I brought up that I make my own shampoo and that they could not use anything with sulfates..ha...the lady thought I was NUTS.  They wet their hair and shook their heads.  I stuck to my guns.  No shampoo people.  NO shampoo!

There Mom, I did it!  Are you happy now?!
YES, and proud.  She actually likes it.

Afterward we went to the zoo and then to my Dad's for a lovely BBQ (where they got to eat real cheeseburgers).  Vance said it was his best day EVER. 

Self Esteem

Alorah clearly has no problems with hers.  None.  She is cool.  SO cool.  I got the biggest kick out of this.  Child of mine, you are awesome!  (her 89% pre-neb pulse-ox tonight, not so cool)

Now, if only she would do her own laundry....

Happy Mother's Day 2011

 We had a lovely brunch with Dad & Diane.  It was yummy and relaxing, and I am so blessed.  Especially since they got very little sleep last night.  The newest member of the Taylor family (my Dad's best friend's son's wife water broke at my Dad's best friend's 50th birthday party last night and she was born early this morning.  Congrats to all of you, I love all of you!  So excited for this next chapter in your lives.  She is perfect!  Happy FIRST Mother's Day Hayley, I can't think of a better first Mother's Day!)

 My Mother-in-law, the kids, and I.  I knew I wanted a picture with each of my mom's today.  Thank-you to my Dad, Wes, and Rob for taking these pics <3  

 My Mom, the kids, and I.  <3

The reason I exist.  I was born to be your Mom.  Thank-you for choosing me.  I cannot for one moment imagine my life without you in it.  You motivate me in everything I do.  I am so very thankful.  You bring so much joy (and chaos) into my life.  Alorah had a bad asthma attack last night, thankfully aggressive and early treatment kept it from getting worse.  She has been much more stable today.  She has a follow-up with her Pulmo tomorrow....always a great time.  

National Jewish Health...

I got word last Thursday that the contract for Alorah's trip to Denver was just about done.  I didn't hear anything on Friday and I decided to NOT pick that battle, not harass people, and let it go knowing I would hear something on Monday.  Monday I took a shower and for about an hour after I could NOT find my cell phone.  It was on silent, I am just that cool-not only can I lose my phone I can lose it and have it silent.  I finally found it and of course I missed the call from our National Jewish Health coordinator.  I called right back but it was lunch time.  I called again around 3 and got the dates.  WOOT!  She goes in June, I will not miss any birthdays (Faith is June 12th and Vance's is 18 days later, I was a wreck thinking about missing a bday.  I would have done it but I also would have cried.  A lot.  I still have to figure out Skype, we will be there no less than one week and her contract is set up so that they do not have to get any further approval for anything that falls under diagnostic testing (apparently NJH requires some of the most specific contracts with insurance companies, most take a general contract, NJH has tighter reigns).  What testing?  I have no idea.  I do know her pulmo mentioned a sleep study and something about a lung testing (biopsy or something, I don't know exactly).  She is seeing an allergist and a pulmonologist.  We will be driving.  My mom offered to pay for flights and a rental car but I have a huge concern that she would get a respiratory infection on the plane and be sick for NJH (irrational, idk, not really willing to take the chance when the drive is 8 hours.)  We get reimbursed for mileage but not gas, which I am grateful for any reimbursement.  I was really kind of hoping we would stay at Ronald McDonald House, it seemed awesome, inexpensive, and Alorah would have activities in the evening.  The problem is that RMH does not do reservations so we would have to call the day we drive up and we may or not get a room.  Insurance covers our hotel near NJH so we are going that route instead.  My anxiety is crazy enough without having to guess whether or not we'd have a room lined up for sure.  We will be free of hospital activity during the weekend so we have plans!  We will be seeing one of my favorite families-The Crider Clan-I babysat for them when their girls were itty bitty babies and those babies are now 16 and almost 18.  I feel OLD.  I want to take Alorah to the Denver Zoo and we will see my friend Rachel (who will be in the area for a wedding!) and my friend April (who lives in Denver).  Rachel also suggested we take in the Colorado Springs zoo so I think I am going to try to make that happen.  I want to make several stops on the way to Denver and really enjoy the drive up there.  Alorah will have her books (she has been reading up a storm lately), DSi, DVD player, and many other things to keep her occupied.  The last time we made the drive to Denver Alorah was 6 mths and Faith was 2, I took them up to see the Criders for a week.  I spent a good chunk of time Tuesday on the phone with our insurance caseworker hammering out details.  I have to spend an hour on the phone with him on Tuesday so that he can have a better picture of Alorah's history.  There is a good chance Alorah will have to go back up to NJH for follow-ups but the ultimate goal is to make sure that her team up there and her team down here are all on the same page.
Alorah is excited, I can't say I am excited....I will miss classes, I will miss Faith and Vance, I know this  is the best place for her but I worry I have too much expectation of them to figure out exactly what is wrong.  I worry that it will run over the one week and the ramifications that could have on everyone, it's just stressful.  I am hopeful that this will be a road that leads Alorah to being able to lead a more "normal" care-free life.  It could always be worse but I hate this disease and I hate its presence in our lives.  I want Alorah to be able to run in the grass that she is allergic to, play under the trees that she is allergic to, go to homes with cats that she is allergic to.  I want her to run and play without having to stop and gasp for air-simple things most of us take for granted.
Vance is going to be with my mother-in-law (thank-you!!!)
Faith will be with my mom (she doesn't read this but thank-you, too!!)
Toby-girl will be with my Dad and Diane (again, idk if they even know about the blog but thank-you!)
I am trying to find a house sitter.  I am not okay with leaving the house empty...but if I DO have to our neighbors are fantastic and they would more than keep an eye on it, I like having nosey neighbors.
There is a lot to do between now and when we go, she sees her pulmo soon for a follow-up and I know he will be glad to hear we have her appt. and that we made it through a full month without steroids (for the first time since November).  I think the Qvar is helping, the particles are smaller so the medication reaches further down into her lower airway which is where a lot of her problems are.

I am trying to figure out how to ensure healthy eating, no way are we eating out 3 meals/day.  Right now I am thinking about bringing my big arse camping cooler and making a grocery run so that we can eat breakfast and pack lunches and only eat out for dinner.  I'm not sure, and won't be until June, if we will have a mini-fridge or anything in our room.  If anyone knows of an organic (esp. vegetarian) restaurant in Denver please let me know!  I am really, really picky about where we eat.  No fast food, no chain restaurants...the only place I take the kids here is Jason's Deli and that is a BIG treat, and the only place I get take-out from is Dion's.  (I happen to love Thai food, some Indian food, and there are a few places I go here but Flying Star w/ 3 kids is not in budget!)  We are reimbursed for $8/meal each 3/meals/day.  I would just really rather not eat out.  So, if anyone has suggestions about how to facilitate it, please let me know!

I am just so glad we live in the day of Skype.  I can still SEE all my babies even when I'm not with them.  :D  That makes it better.

Memory Monday

May is Asthma & Allergy awareness month.  Please see this website for the FACTS.  Chances are you know someone with one or both.  Chances are you have heard the cliche "Oh don't worry, they outgrow it".  For some that may be true....or it could remain dormant and show up again in adulthood.  Vance was diagnosed with Asthma at 4 mths which is the first time he got sick with a respiratory infection (he was vaccinated for RSV for several months over his first winter because he needed oxygen for so long after birth.  A condition known as Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia).  Thankfully he never got RSV.  He was aggressively treated after birth for his respiratory distress.  He was sent home and kept on oxygen for 5 weeks.  He has not had any symptoms of asthma since 2008.  Alorah, on the other hand, developed Asthma after a bout of RSV in Feb of '04.  She had just turned 2 when she got sick.  Several trips to the urgent care, chest x-rays, etc. she was not aggressively treated.  She did not get a nebulizer until several respiratory infections later, and it was not her crappy ped (that she had before her current ped) who prescribed it.  It was Urgent Care.  For years she was able to take a break from maintenance meds for the entire summer.  Her attacks were intermittent.  In the past few years they have become worse, much scarier, and she has anything but outgrown them.  She has coughed so hard she has turned purple on several occasions.  She seems to develop a new trigger every time I turn around.  Her Asthma is severe, persistent, and downright (at times) terrifying.  As I look back on Vance's experience with Asthma and Alorah's it is hard not to draw comparisons. My "theory" is that she has scar tissue from the RSV.  No doubt allergies also play a huge role in her Asthma but the trend of her getting worse as her she grows worries me very much.  They both have had to deal with Eczema (a very common issue with Asthmatics).  I have found that plain, organic, unrefined coconut oil is amazing for it.  As I have watched Alorah's life essentially be taken over by her Asthma and Allergies I have struggled with what to do to help her.  I am constantly on the look out for anything that may help.  Traditional medication, even at crazy doses, has not kept her it under control.  We made it through April without steroids and that is fantastic...but she cannot stay on these doses forever.  Trying to make life safe for her is a constant battle.  I let her play outside for a few hours on Saturday.  Pollen levels were not overly high and the wind was down....on Sunday we paid for it.  Low pulse-ox, crabby, moody, unreasonable.  When she is exposed to too much-watch out.  It is not pretty.  It left me upset and unsure of what to do.  Obviously she can't even go outdoors when pollen levels are middle range (and she wore her mask, she always wears her mask) now and at least I know before she did this at school.

The awareness of Asthma & Allergies isn't really there.  4,000 people die every year from Asthma in this country.  They affect 60 million people, 1 in 4 Americans has one or the other or both.  70% of Asthmatics also have Allergies.  Yet our state does not even have a walk.  It is so frustrating.  What do you do when it's your child that doesn't outgrow it, who can't go to sleepovers, who could have another "big one" any day and when that happens life stops. I guess you research, you get good docs, and you go to National Jewish Health if you live in a resource-poor state like NM.  We will be in Colorado this summer.  I got a call today (and missed it, UGH) that we are ready to make that appointment.

Most of all be understanding and don't downplay it.  Asthma is very real.  It is chronic, there is no cure.

My brain is MUSH

My brain is complete mush. Over 16 hours of studying in the past 2 days. I have taken a few mini-breaks to eat and I even took a power nap last night and this afternoon but algebra is ruling my brain right now. I am 100% done with all my coursework. Now I just have to make sure I have the details down so that I can kill it on Monday morning. I WILL kill it on Monday morning. This is the first of many stressed out weekends before finals! I hope I get better about managing said stress.

Who's bright idea was it to have Easter the weekend before finals? That idea totally sucked. Thankfully all the grandparents took over Easter. Literally. I dropped Vance off with Grandma Judy and Papa Wes after school yesterday. I dropped Faith off with my Mom today (and my Mom-bless her-made all 3 kids their Easter Baskets) she also sewed all the pieces (minus Alorah's top) in this post but more about that in a minute. My Dad and Diane are dying eggs and they are holding our annual egg hunt tomorrow while I go visit Levi. (yes, he is still in the hospital and he is doing better every day). Pretty much grandparents are saving my A$$ this year and I am letting them! This class is the key to nutrition and bio so it's kind of sort of super important. I am abundantly glad I did not try to take a bunch of classes with it. My guidance counselor saved my toosh when she told me to take it, and do well, make it my focus, and then move onward and upward. I cannot wait for next semester-NO MATH! I can't wait to write papers. Oh, I'll probably be "over it" at some point but research and writing and critical thinking make me HAPPY. Algebra, does not.

See, I'm babbling. All these hours of studying (and I'm nowhere near done) are turning me into a babbling bafoon!!!

BTW who the hale is Sharpay???  My girls would't stop talking about it..her?  Someone fill me in.

The skirt above and below are works of my Mom.  Turns out she can sew-and she's pretty good!  The one above is very "Barbie-girl" to me.  The pink leopard and zebra, Alorah loves it.  (family heirlooms for sure!).  Ignore the mess-there is only one of me and 3 of them.  It's a losing battle.  If your house is perfectly clean-bless you!

The skirt below is Faith's.  They tye-dye, the colors ? Oh goodness me, I am in love.  I can't WAIT to see her in it!!  I love it.  Love.

The peasant top, also by my Mom.  I want one.  That fabric?  Sooooo, right up my ally and dare I say it looks like it's from Mini Boden.  My mom may have an etsy career in her future at this rate.  I don't want to share her though.  This is some fantastic, beautiful, wonderful stuff (esp since that creative gene skipped the hell out of me and went straight to Faith!!!)

 

I am ooooooooogling.  

Even if she did tell me I was an idiot for doing the whole No-poo thing.  Ah well, can't win them all :)

Guru's

(Guru-a spiritual leader esp. one who imparts initiation)

My Guru's aren't people.  They are illnesses.  Asthma and Mental Illness.  Maybe my purpose in life is to help the people in my life.  Maybe that is why I am here, who knows.  I am a fighter.  I am passionate and I don't give up on people.  The old Levi, the one I fell madly in love with and made babies with and cared about with every cell in my body, he no longer exists.  He haunts me though.  My dreams...my nightmares, in every day life.  Not in the same way Reese haunts me, I have some closure with her.  I can't save her.  I probably can't save this Levi, but I can try and I can fight and I can learn and I can surely make a pain the ass out of myself on the phone.  I have been talking to crisis intervention people, one through COST (civilian) and one through CIT (police).  Genuinely caring people who are helping to lead me in the right direction to help Levi.  Why?  I could walk away.  I could never make a fuss.  I could let him spiral down to wherever this illness takes him.  I could.  I made a vow on September 1st, 2000 not to.  I can never be his wife again, but I still made that vow.  I didn't marry him because I got pregnant.  Actually, I refused to get married when I was pregnant (and not just because I had my head over a toilet for 6 straight months) I wouldn't marry him until I knew that it was for US and not for her (Faith).  He saw me through that hellish pregnancy working 60-80 hours week.  He held my hair as I threw up over and over and over.  He sat with me in the ER countless times.  He was there for me, in every way.  When she was born, he fell in love with her...and he was amazing with her, and with me.  He held me through my emotional crying bursts as my hormones figured themselves out.  When we got married it was a small, intimate, private ceremony at sunset, in my mom's backyard.  It was everything I think a wedding should be-it was about marriage.  Not a to-do, because that just isn't me (I loathe weddings, with the exception of Danny & Hayley's because that was frickin' FUN!).  I can't keep the vow to stay married, but I can keep the vow to help him in sickness and in health.  Maybe that part doesn't have to die with the parting.  Maybe part of it is guilt, I would never leave a person with cancer.  The difference is that cancer isn't emotionally abusive in the way that mental illness can be and I know that I can't be married to someone when my own sanity (for the sake of my children) is threatened.  I will still keep up the good fight.  I got a lot of good information today.  Nothing happens overnight but I know that there is a speck of light at the end of this long tunnel.

The Asthma Guru is ever present.  I don't have more information on National Jewish Health, yet.  I will call this afternoon for an update on the status of things.  Again, slow and steady.  Navigate, fall, transverse, hit a tree, you just never know.  You pick yourself up and you try and try again.  One door slams and another one opens....and you try not to pick the one that is the rabbit hole because you've watched Alice and Wonderland...and that's not a good one.  Pick a different door and hope it's the right one.

I promise I am doing what I can to protect my own head and heart.  I won't say I totally succeed all the time but I am trying.  Now, onward and upward and I have class and two finals to study for....and my Guru's are never far from my mind.

This is probably my most cherished picture of Levi.  I will never forget the look of shock on his face when Faith was born.  He was a Dad, reality smacked him and I saw sheer terror and absolute love on his face.  This picture holds that.  A picture says a thousand words....for me this holds a trillion.

Allergies SUCK.

Royally freaking SUCK. 

She has absolutely no energy, her eyes hurt.  Her pulse-ox and peak flows are good (no wheezing, either, though her breathing is a tad labored but nothing terrible)

I put rice cold packs on her eyes to try to help.  I finally gave her benedryl before bed (I try not to use it, she is on so much already but sometimes everything she has in her isn't enough) to try to ease some of her discomfort.  There is NO way she is going to school tomorrow.  The pollen counts and high wind are kicking her toosh.  Diane graciously (bless her!!!) agreed to watch her so I could go to class.  I simply cannot miss anymore this late in the term.  I am having a hard time as it is.  So I will go to class and my raccoon will be safe with polly pockets and Gran Diane.  

I **HATE** spring.
Edited to add she has not been in the sun, that is not a sunburn, that is good ol' fashion allergy eyes

Girl's Night OUT

 (Kimber, Jenn, Alisha, Rach, and I)

Last night I got to go out with the FAB FIVE!  We have all known each other since High School (or longer...Jenn and Kimber are sisters and Rach and Alisha met in middle school).  After our High School reunion we all reconnected and now  you have us-the awesome five of fabulosity!  We went to Azuma (I was the only virgin of the group, I had never been to a Teppan/Sushi restaurant (I'm a Thai food girl!).  That said it was awesome.  I was a little disappointed at the lack of vegetarian options but I had the Hibachi  Vegetables, tofu as the protein.  I don't eat a lot of tofu because I try to stay away from soy but every now and then I enjoy it and it was really GOOD.  I also greatly appreciated that he cooked it before any meats.  Anyway, we had awesome conversation, food, and then went to see The Adjustment Bureau (which was really good, though parts of it I hated, in the end really good though!).  Afterward we talked in the parking lot for an hour and a half-because that is how we rollllllllll.  Props to the preggos (Jenn, having a girlie in Aug and Alisha, having a boy in late June/early July) for staying out until 11 and to Kimber for tearing yourself away from sweet Fo Fo!!!  I had not had a night out in 2 months, to say it was needed is a massive understatement.  Our (now annual!) Chama trip is in the works...watch out Chama!!!!  I love you ladies, heart and soul.  You are the BEST.

 I got updates all evening and this morning about Ms Alorah.  It is not easy to leave her right now but she was in capable hands, for sure!  This one came with the message "250 peak flow, great dinner, all meds done, watching Scooby Doo".  Diane sent all of these :D  My kids have the best grandparents. Alorah would have to agree, lol.  Faith is with my Mom and Vance is with Grandma Judy.  I tell ya, it takes a village (esp if I want a night off!)

 "Hot chocolate, Polly Pockets, and Goosebumps for breakfast"  Oh goodness, she may never want to leave. Oh wait....

She's trying to move in.  "Look what we found in our medicine cabinet"  (the Toms toothpaste and pink toothbrush).  I guess she's ahead of the curve...since we may very well be moving in if things head in the direction it looks like they are going.  Glad she likes it!